Babbling About Why Asking "Why" Doesn't Make You Weak, It Makes You Human

#178: Have you ever been told to "just move on" when someone walked out of your life without explanation? That raw, vulnerable question—Why?—sits at the heart of this deeply personal exploration of closure, emotional honesty, and the courage to seek clarity.

We've been conditioned to believe that asking questions makes us look desperate or emotional. The "cool girl" never double-texts. The unbothered person "wins" at relationships. But behind that carefully curated exterior of nonchalance, many of us are suffering in silence, making up stories in our heads because no one will give us straight answers. This episode challenges that cultural trap, asking why we can't normalize direct conversations about what went wrong—whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or family dynamics.

Through personal reflections and psychological insights, we explore why people avoid difficult conversations, how avoidant behavior perpetuates emotional wounds, and why the person seeking clarity is often unfairly labeled as "crazy." The truth is, wanting to understand isn't weakness—it's a sign you loved with intention and showed up with honesty. You deserve that same energy in return. While closure ultimately comes from within, there's strength in honoring your emotions enough to ask the questions that haunt you. Just make sure you're asking from a place where you can handle the silence that might follow.

Share this episode with someone who's struggling with unanswered questions or the cultural pressure to pretend they don't care when they absolutely do. Let's create a world where emotional honesty isn't viewed as a liability, but as the foundation of authentic connection.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing the "Why" question
• 1:32 Closure and external validation
• 6:20 Asking "why" for growth, not reunion
• 9:32 Psychology behind avoiding difficult conversations
• 13:40 Rejecting the "cool girl" culture trap
• 15:30 The strength in seeking clarity

Transcript

Johnna : 0:00

What is up everyone? Welcome back to another episode of the Babbles Nonsense podcast. On today's episode it'll be a little bit different. I'm going to obviously try to do this solo, without me and you here, so we'll see how that goes.

Johnna : 0:12

So today's episode is not just a rant, it's not just another story, but kind of a real raw, honest question that I think a lot of us do ask ourselves but maybe are afraid to ask out loud or ask another person. And that is like why can't I just ask you why? I'm a why person? I mentioned that several times on this podcast and sometimes I just want to know the answer why. And I know Mingyu has been on here and she's, you know, therapized and she has life coached us all saying that sometimes we just don't know the answer why and sometimes we won't ever get that answer why. But sometimes you just want to know why. And to me, asking why can be normal, but I know like in society it's not considered normal to ask people questions or it's often labeled as like quote, unquote emotional, crazy or desperate. So that's what we're going to get into today. Let's talk about it all right. So thank you all for, you know, bearing with me through these kind of relationship emotional topics. Um, it's just kind of what's in the forefront of my thought processing right now and sometimes when I try to do this solo, you know y y'all just hang in there, but I do get a lot of feedback and y'all are so sweet and so supportive in the DMs talking about relationship stuff, just because I sometimes feel like I'm weird when it comes to relationships or quote unquote situationships, because we all know I'm definitely not a relationship expert. I'm definitely a situation ship expert in this stage of life. But honestly, to nobody's fault but my own, I've had to, you know, work through some therapy, some life coaching, to understand why I keep picking emotionally unavailable men. And I think it's mostly because I may be a little emotionally unavailable myself. But also, like, as we get older I think I just get set in my way. So it just it just becomes harder to date because I'm I am getting closer to 40. So it's just getting harder to like not have things the way that I want them. I mean, I'm obviously okay with change and well, I don't know if I should say that.

Johnna : 2:39

But going back to the intro to this, like I know me and me and you last week talked about why X has come back and, like you know, I talked to her about closure and she's, you know, very big on. You have to give yourself closure and I do believe that I used to think that people, you know, should give you closure. But closure, but obviously we have to give it to ourselves, because sometimes we're not going to know why things ended and sometimes it's just not meant to be. And you know, the universe does have something out there better, and maybe in the moment we don't think that there is, but when that something better comes along, we're like oh, this is why it didn't work out. But for me and I'm not talking about just romantic relationships, I'm talking about like in friendships, maybe when friendships end, or you know, or there's things like I sometimes just have questions like my mind just circles. So I know I'm often like well, why, why did that happen? Why did this happen?

Johnna : 3:31

And we've always been taught to play it cool. You know, we live in this culture, especially as women. I know some men listen to this, but mostly women. Um, we're told that the minute you ask for clarity or the minute you show any softness or confusion, we're then quote unquote lost. You know we're told to act like you don't care, be unbothered, don't send that double text, never let them see you sweat or match their energy is another one that you hear a lot. But here's the thing for me I get tired of pretending that I don't care when I do, and I get tired of letting you know people, whether it be you know romantic relationships or friendships or you know just in general in the world, like walk in and out of my life like it's a revolving door, and being expected to never question like why?

Johnna : 4:19

Why, you know why, why is this happening? If I'm such a good person or such a good friend or friend or you know, such a good girlfriend to you, then why didn't you stay? And you know the answer sometimes is an answer in itself. When you don't get a question, um, you know obviously, but sometimes you just want clarity and I'm sure everyone can relate that. That thought pops in our head, like why you know?

Johnna : 4:40

And I'll just give a few examples like I know, like I talk to my girlfriends and stuff, and there it seems to be a common theme with women. Like for whatever reason, women go straight to our looks like we're, like was I not pretty enough? Was I not thin enough? Was I not thick enough? Was I not, you know, voluptuous enough, like we go immediately to that, like fortunately for me that hasn't happened in a long time because because I have healed a lot of that self validation or not self validation, but like seeking validation from external sources, which is a whole nother podcast for a whole nother day, which that does give me an idea to do one with me and you. But a lot of it for me is just like just trying to stay true to who I am, because at the end of the day, I do care about people that walk in and out of my life and it's really hard for me. And again, that goes back to like a lot of childhood abandonment where you know I, you know, you know my father wasn't there and then you know my mom had to take care of my sister a lot because she was in a lot of trouble most of the time, and so it was just like it's mostly like a well, I guess it still is external validation. Sometimes, when I do these solo podcasts, it's almost like a therapy session to me, because when you're talking out loud you're just kind of like and obviously I have headphones on, I'm listening to myself talk, then it's just getting all that energy out. But anyways, so I guess it still is that external validation, because you still are seeking clarity from an external source versus yourself, when sometimes that is the answer.

Johnna : 6:05

But to stick with this topic of why, isn't it okay to ask why it's just easier sometimes to use a romantic relationship as an example? Just because it's one that I think universally people can relate to, because some people don't care if family walks in and out of their lives and some people don't care if friendships walk in and out of their lives. But for whatever reason, when it's a romantic relationship coming in and out of your life, it seems to sting a little bit different. Not saying that friendship breakups aren't as hard, because sometimes I think they are harder, but I think it's just universally, like people understand the thought process behind it.

Johnna : 6:43

But for me, like asking why and asking for clarity, isn't always about trying to get someone back. It's not about begging, it's not about rekindling anything. For me it's about understanding, mostly for growth, like I take it as a you know, growing experience, like where could I have changed here? What did I do wrong here? It's not that I'm trying to blame the other person. Well, sometimes you know, there are just situations where you can. But I'm just saying, like when it was like a mutual thing or like things just didn't go the way you hoped for, like sometimes it's like a growing, you know experience, like asking for clarity and like where I could have grown as a person so that I maybe don't do it in the next relationship that I get into. But for me it's about the people who make promises and who share moments and who look you in the eyes and make you feel safe, only to vanish and maybe switch it up a little bit. Or you know the whole saying it's not you, it's me, or they don't say anything at all.

Johnna : 7:42

So it's those conversations when you've reached out and you've asked and you just don't get a response, or you don't get the clarity, or maybe you get a very vague or like just a very vague answer, if you will, you know. So I did some research on this and the psychology, like I wanted to look up the psychology behind it. So here's the frustrating part about the psychology behind it Half the time the people that you're asking you know why for clarity sometimes they didn't don't even have a real answer and they don't know why that they did what they did. Or maybe they don't know why they hurt you, maybe they were selfish, or maybe they were scared, or maybe it was just that they were emotionally unavailable at the time. But instead of them processing that, they avoided it, like me.

Johnna : 8:31

And me and you talked last week about you know the avoidant behavior. You know, because avoiding things can be easier than being accountable. Or, you know, like taking yourself and saying here's where I messed up. Like having that honest conversation back and forth means that someone else is going to have to listen to what they also did. And sometimes people aren't ready for that and I, maybe I am different in the fact that, like, I want someone to tell me if I've messed up in a way and I can take criticism and I can handle conflict. Um, people tell me that all the time. It's not that I love it, it's not that I enjoy it, but I can handle it because I don't take it all the way to heart. Now, sometimes I do like if someone I, you know, extremely value and care about, says something, you know I'm going to take it to heart, but also, at the same time, I try not to take it personal and I try to understand that it's more constructive than you know. Just criticizing so that I can grow as a person and become a better person every day. But going back to the psychology behind it, this is what I found in my research. So don't shoot the messenger.

Johnna : 9:34

But a lot of people were saying online that men are rarely asked to reflect on things or they're rarely called out, and when they are called out like when men are called out a lot of times, they spin it back on you. So it's you often get. Why are you so dramatic? Stop being crazy, you know. And so there's a big difference when you're asking for clarity and someone does. You know that's where gaslighting comes in, and not to use like a buzzword or anything like that, like that. But that is sometimes what happens. So I think people get afraid to ask why? Because you want to.

Johnna : 10:10

You know, look like the quote unquote cool girl, like you're unbothered. You know that's what you know the culture is telling us to do and it, honestly, is just a culture trap. You know we have been brainwashed into thinking that the quote unquote cool girl is the one who wins in the end and the one who doesn't care, the one who doesn't ask questions and the one who lets him come and go without ever demanding any explanation is, you know quote unquote the cool girl, the unbothered person. And a lot of times there's, you know, there's, all kinds of sayings. There's a saying that says who cares, the one who cares less, wins. Because they're not emotionally involved. They're not emotionally, you know, wound up in the thought process or asking questions or, you know, stuck in that mind trap.

Johnna : 10:54

But here's the honest truth. You know that quote unquote cool girl suffers in silence. And I'm not saying everybody. I know I do have some friends that really are unbothered and sometimes I strive to be that way. But I think that I come off as a very unbothered person based on what I show, maybe on social media, or maybe how I am externally towards people that don't really know me. But the honest truth is is I'm actually a very emotional person and I, you know, get deep in thought a lot and maybe that's where I go wrong.

Johnna : 11:26

So, going back to you know, for me I feel like that quote unquote girl suffers in silence sometimes, because it's almost like we make excuses for other people or we cry behind closed doors. You know we journal instead of confronts. Or you know you get cheated on but then still pretend you're above it, like those are just some examples, but I don't strive to be like that. Like I know, like when I talk to my friends about it, they're always like don't, don't show any emotion, don't do that, but like, honestly, I just have to stay true to myself because that's who I am and I feel so unauthentic when I act, like I'm unbothered. So I feel like we should normalize, normalize, send, like sending texts and questions like you know. For example, like maybe a text that says hey, I'm not trying to fight, I just need some honesty. Can you give me some clarity? Let's talk about the situation. I'm just saying like let's normalize direct conversations instead of having to decode like a text or an Instagram story or social media or second guessing every look, every like, every heart, fire, emoji, whatever.

Johnna : 12:35

You know the silence as well. Like, because sometimes we mean you says this all the time. Like we make stories up in our head and I have said this and I live by this. If, if someone can't give me a direct and honest answer back to a question that I've asked, then don't get mad at me for the story that I portray in my head. Because if I need that story for closure, then that's what I'm, you know, going to do. And for me, if someone can't answer that question, when you, you know, asked a very, I feel, like a mature, grown up question or tried to have a mature, grown up conversation for healing and closure, then that's not that really says more about their character than yours. Like, if someone gets defensive, cold, dismissive or even mocks you or gaslights you for asking a clear, you know a clarity question, then honestly, like I've said kind of throughout this podcast, that is an answer in itself and that shows you their character.

Johnna : 13:32

Because if someone really truly cared, even if it didn't work out between you and again I'm using the romantic example, you know, at least they could respect you and your feelings enough to give you honesty, to give you clarity, to help you close that chapter and close that door and move on. And that can go for same in friendships, like, if you have a friendship breakup and you want to, you know, sit down and talk about it, then that just says more Cause to me. It's about respect. At the end of the day, if you respect me and you truly cared, then you would, you know, give me that closure and um clarity that I'm, you know, seeking. But again, I know that you have to give it to yourself, um, and I know that if someone doesn't there's, you know, obviously, you know options like block him, delete the number, grieve, mourn, you know, mourn what you thought it was. But at the end of the day, don't shame yourself for asking the question, don't shame yourself for caring, and don't ever believe that your desire for clarity makes you weak, because in my opinion, it actually makes you strong. So I'm kind of going to just end it there with this final thought.

Johnna : 14:37

So, if you've been holding on to a question, if you've been rehearsing the text in your head or maybe in your notepad or your journal, if you've been feeling like you're crazy for just wanting to understand, I do not think you're crazy. I think you're just someone who loved with intention and someone who showed up with honesty, and someone who deserves that same energy in return. And so I say send the message. But I know all my friends listening to this are like, no, don't do that, but honest. But if you're going to do it, it has to come from a place where you're strong enough to handle the silence or strong enough to handle not receiving the clarity or the truth that you wanted.

Johnna : 15:14

And obviously you know, guys, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a life coach, so just take my advice with a grain of salt. Like, don't be sending text messages and getting you know in heated debates and messy conversations and then coming back and blaming me, because that's not what we're here for either. I'm talking about, like a respectful, mature, grown up conversation that you're ready to have, but also both parties have to be ready to have it. You know, you can't force conversation on people that are not ready for conversation. So yeah, that's all I really wanted to say. So if this episode resonated with you, obviously I would love it. If you would share it with a friend, share it on social media, tag me, tell a friend who may be in the same place of confusion or maybe they're going through a heartbreak. So, yeah, until next time, guys. Bye, thank you.