Babbles Nonsense
Welcome to my verbal diary where I want to discuss any and all things that is essentially on my mind or have wondered about. Sometimes I will be solo and then other times I will have some amazing guests to bring all different perspectives in life. The ultimate goal is to hopefully bring some joy, laughter, inspiration, education, and just maybe a little bit of entertainment. Don't forget to like, rate, and share the podcast with a friend!
Babbles Nonsense
Babbling About The Mirror We Avoid: Owning Our Part, Growing From It, and Loving Ourselves Anyway
#183: Accountability can feel like a loaded word—especially when it comes to our relationships. All too often, we either shoulder all the blame or refuse to see our part in painful patterns. But what if accountability could be an act of self-love rather than self-punishment?
In this deeply reflective episode, I explore the liberating side of taking responsibility for our relationship patterns. I share my personal journey of recognizing how I've abandoned myself to keep others comfortable, confused emotional chaos with passion, and chased unavailable people because of unhealed wounds. The most powerful insight? When someone triggers us, they're often holding up a mirror to something we haven't fully addressed within ourselves.
This isn't about blaming yourself for others' harmful behaviors. No one deserves abuse or mistreatment. Rather, it's about honestly examining what you've allowed, what you've ignored, and how you might be trying to heal old wounds through your current relationships. Through this compassionate self-reflection, we gain the power to make different choices moving forward.
Whether you're struggling with repeated relationship disappointments, trying to break free from toxic patterns, or simply wanting to understand yourself better, this episode offers a gentle but transformative perspective on how accountability can set you free. Remember, you're allowed to be both a work in progress and worthy of love right now. Your journey of becoming is just that—a journey, not a destination you've somehow failed to reach.
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All right, guys, welcome back to another episode of the Babbles Nonsense podcast, where I am flying solo today and we're diving into something that's probably going to sting a little bit, but in the best way possible. So we're going to talk about accountability, and not the kind that shames you, not the kind that sends you into a spiral of regret, but the kind that sets you free, the kind that lets you finally stop repeating the same relationship cycles. The kind that sets you free, the kind that lets you finally stop repeating the same relationship cycles. The kind that says okay, maybe it wasn't all them, maybe I played a role in this, and maybe that role came from the wounds that I haven't fully healed from yet, and maybe we're going to talk about how it can kind of shine a mirror onto us. So let's get into it.
Johnna :So, for me, I'm someone that you know used to think that accountability meant that I had to take all the blame, and I was very guilty of that, still am pretty guilty of that, and that's and I'm and I'm talking about any relationship, whether that be with your family, dating, romantic, platonic friendships, whatever the relationship may be, it doesn't have to be a romantic one I was very guilty of taking all the blame, like if somebody got upset, if you know, if I was automatically like, what did I do? And it was never. Like maybe I didn't do something, and that's something I'm having to work on. So that's why I wanted to do this episode was because I felt like I do take a lot of accountability and I have been in partnerships or relationships or even friendships where I am blamed the entire time and then, like, looking back, going through therapy and stuff like that, I realized that I wasn't the only one to blame, like there was two parties here. And you know, I know, the old saying goes there's always three sides of the story. There's your side, my side and the truth. Right, but but anyways, we all know that.
Johnna :Saying so, let's get back to the accountability portion of it. So for me, true accountability is saying you know, I see what I allowed, I see what I ignored, I see how I abandoned myself to keep someone else comfortable. It's not saying they were perfect and I ruined it. Because, let's be honest, if you're listening to this, you've probably been with someone who is emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, selfish or even straight up hurtful to you. Maybe they were physically or verbally abusive, and no one deserves that ever. There's no excuse for it, because, also, I think as human beings we have to start learning how to talk to other people and communicate. And I understand that there is trauma, that everyone is working around, but at the end of the day, we have to decide what we allow, because that does teach someone how to treat us and I'm bad about it.
Johnna :It's so crazy because I mentioned this multiple times on the podcast that in my work life I am so confident and I, you know, don't really allow that type of behavior and I put a stop to it and I have a lot of boundaries in my professional life. But in my personal life I don't, like I, for whatever reason, will let certain people walk all over me and I haven't figured out truly why certain people and then not others. But I think there's probably some kind of trauma bond there from something I haven't worked through in my childhood, something else to talk about in therapy. But this podcast is also very therapeutic because it helps me just talk out things and then I'm like, oh, wow, okay, I see something.
Johnna :But going back to the accountability, accountability like is saying like when you do stay too long or maybe you followed and chased potential in someone or you stayed in a unhealthy, toxic relationship. Accountability is saying I stayed and I hoped, I kept trying to prove I was worth staying for I thought if I lived harder it would fix it, like owning why you stayed and not blaming yourself, knowing that you did everything, not blaming yourself, knowing that you did everything you could in the moment that you had and the tools that you had at that time. And I think that we have to look at patterns that we like do in relationships. I think that many of us have many patterns like falling for potential I talked about that just a minute ago confusing emotional chaos with passion, mistaking inconsistency for mystery, mystery and then chasing unavailable people because we secretly believe we're the ones who aren't enough. And I learned that, like I know, when I worked with me and you a lot like I would be. Like I think the reason why I chase emotionally unavailable men is because I I'm probably emotionally unavailable myself and it's something that I have to get real with myself and be like what do you want when it comes to dating? And it's crazy because I truly think I don't know.
Johnna :Like sometimes I'm like I really want a relationship and I want to be in a committed relationship. And then sometimes I'm like that kind of scares me. I've been alone for a really long time and I've lived by myself for gosh 18 years now and I don't know like bringing someone into that does like terrify me. And then it's like I don't want children. Not that I don't like children, I love children I just personally don't want them myself. And then at the age that I am, like I'm two years away from 40. So the age bracket that I'm dating with it's like they're going to have children and that's fine. I just personally didn't want to have like physically have children. Maybe I'll do a whole podcast on why one day and so like learning someone else's routine or their children and stuff like that, like as, as you get older, that does terrify me a little bit, but I know I can do it. I just have to do more work on myself.
Johnna :Anyways, going back to the patterns that, like we, some of us have and I feel like the chasing potential or falling for potential, and then especially the confusing that emotional chaos with passion is definitely two that I've seen in a lot of people when I've talked to them or that has resonated with people listening to this podcast. I know that for a long time because my childhood was so chaotic that that's what I thought love was. So that's what I chased a lot. I was like, oh, this is familiar, it's a familiar pattern Because if something was stable, it was boring and I didn't want it and I didn't think that that was a normal thing because I didn't grow up with an emotional, secure parents or any kind of like parental figure where that was like a stable environment. But as I've gotten older and I've reconnected with some older family members and see different families that you know throughout my college career and whatnot, that is normal and it's hard. It's hard to understand it.
Johnna :But we keep going through these cycles because we haven't sat down and really asked like what am I trying to fix in them that I haven't healed in me? And I think that that's a huge statement. Like whenever and this has been something a therapist told me one time is like whenever something is really bothering you that someone else is doing. Typically they're mirroring either something that you have healed and worked on and that used to be you, or something that you're currently going through yourself, that you either don't want to admit that you also do it or you know you do it and you know you need to fix it. So it's always like a mirror held up to you.
Johnna :And I know I have a friend that you know we get in fights all the time and she won't care that if I say this to her. You know, I'm not obviously not going to share her name, but she tends to stay in the pessimistic, negative mind frame a lot and I used to do that all the time. I used to think, I used to be like I'm not pessimistic, I'm a realist. So yeah, and we kind of, when we became friends, we kind of bonded because that's how I was and that's how she is. Well, she's still there and ever since I've done like the energy healing and the life coaching with me and you, I've grown so much.
Johnna :I realized that a lot of things are what we put into the universe. We're going to get back, and how we truly think about things is really what you're putting out there and it's going to keep coming back to you and I've learned that and so so my personality has shifted a little bit. Now don't get me wrong. I can still have those moments where I can get down and be pessimistic, but majority of the time I try to not be, or I try to be like okay, well, this happened. Yes, it sucked, but what is the positives that could come out of it? What's the things that we could learn from it? And she's still not there yet.
Johnna :So we will bump heads a lot all the time and it infuriates me and I think it's because I once was like that and it's holding a mirror up to me, me and I was like gosh, is this what I was like? And so it's showing me how my other friends felt about it when they used to be like gosh, shauna, you know, like let's be a little bit more positive. So a lot of times it is just a mirror, you know, being held up to us and that's. That's kind of hard to admit. But when we start to recognize it not the shame, like don't, don't put shame on yourself, but with compassion and I think that's where the growth lives I think that we can all like it's almost like that aha moment where you're like this is it? You know what I'm saying.
Johnna :And then we also have to like learn to love ourselves more, and I say that because I am really bad about like putting other people first, or like and I'm not saying that that's a bad thing Like, obviously there's reasons and times for it, but I think that sometimes I consistently do it in a relationship and I keep giving, and giving, and giving, and they may not even be giving anything back, but I'm still giving and I need to recognize that. Hey, like, this is definitely a mismatch in energy here. But also, when we do that, I think it's because we're not. Maybe we don't have the confidence that we want, or maybe we don't love ourselves, so we're trying to get them to validate us in a way, and the truth is is we don't have to do that anymore. Okay, so here's the shift I want to hear today Taking accountability shouldn't make you love yourself less.
Johnna :It should make you love yourself more because you're doing hard work and because when you realize the ways that you've hurt yourself just to feel loved by someone else, you start to realize you are always worth more. I know I have. I know that, yes, it may take me 20 to 40 times in the same situation, ship or relationship to realize I was chasing potential or I was, you know, confusing that emotional chaos with love, and then it all like. The third thing was that I was trying to get validation from this person, because I don't know if y'all listen to the episode. I don't know if y'all have listened to the episode that I've had.
Johnna :I've mentioned it a Talking about my childhood. I mentioned it recently with Chris Medina when we did our astrology podcast that you know, the last thing I said to my dad when I was 10 years old is that I hated him and I have lived with that. And so a lot of times I don't like like relationships or conversations or anything ending badly, because I'm you just never know what's going to happen in life and that's just something like I'm going gonna have to work through, because sometimes things just do have to end badly. And I think that what I've learned from that is that I don't have to be mean and hurtful but like still being able to get my point across. It's okay to do like it's okay to say how you're feeling and you, you just don't have to deliver it in a mean or rude way, and that's something I'm working through.
Johnna :And then I've also mentioned, like when I like a lot of childhood trauma that I had, like I was just teased a lot by my own family, like my sisters and my brothers, like they would either make fun of the way I looked or something like that. So I did grow up like with very low self esteem and low, you know, self-confidence, and that over the probably the past two to three years has definitely grown. And I think the more that has grown, the more I have loved myself, more and stood up for myself more Um, anyways, getting off on a tangent Um, but going back to learning to love yourself more. I think that when we realize the ways that we've hurt our own selves just to feel loved by someone else, we start to realize that we are always worth more than that situation and I think it sometimes just takes hard things in our lives and I mean, that's just what life is about is ups and downs, but just knowing that, if you've been there like you aren't dumb, you aren't naive, you were just trying to meet a need in the only way that you know how at the moment, like I said and me and you have said this too on our on podcast episode is that sometimes we do the best that we can with the toolbox that we have at the moment. But the biggest thing is was.
Johnna :Once you've learned and you're aware, then what you're not choosing. Yeah, what? No, sorry, what you're not changing. You're choosing, but it's also, with that said, like it's not that you're going to change overnight. Like if you've had a pattern, so I'll. I'm 37. So I've had a pattern for 37 years. And to unlearn that or to learn to grow out of it Number one you have to be aware of it. Number two you have to seek professional help. Trying to do it on your own when you're the one who has this pattern is almost near impossible, because how do you fix a pattern that that is your pattern? You can't you either need a therapist, a life coach. You know someone who specializes in the mental health field that can help you and learning those new ways. That's powerful, that's self-respect and that is growth. You know we don't have to fix this all overnight.
Johnna :Like I said, like if you've dealt with something for several years in a row, it's going to take time and I don't know about y'all, but like I'm a type, a personality, so I want to fix that first time and like I always feel like I took two steps forward and then maybe one step back, but I'm still one step ahead and I don't realize that sometimes because I focus on well, I took a step back. You know what I'm saying and you don't have to become that hyper independent. I don't need anybody version of yourself. I know a lot of women recently or not recently, but in the past few years. That's what we do, like Miss Independent, and sometimes, you know, that's a huge turnoff for men, I feel like, because we are supposed to be more in our feminine energy and you know that would bring out a masculine energy in a male. But also guys, I get it there's a lot of feminine energy men these days that don't want to be doing the masculine stuff and you're like fine, I can just do it and I get it. And sometimes we're just like I don't need anybody. But the more you give that energy off, then people aren't going to approach you. And I was that way for a really long time Because I again came from childhood trauma.
Johnna :I had to learn to do everything myself. At such a young age I was very self sufficient. Then I, you know, got a job, went to college, got a better job and started making more money, and then the longer I did it by myself, the longer. That's when I got set in this I don't need anybody, but now it's like more so, that emotional connection. I think that we all do need emotional connection and as good as AI is, trust me, like as good as it is, it's never going to replace like a human being, you know.
Johnna :I think that we just have to be more honest, especially with ourselves, and ask ourselves like what did I ignore, what did I accept that made me feel small? What am I still grieving? What can I do differently next time? And then we have to forgive ourselves, and true forgiveness means forgive yourself and allow yourself to grow, and you're going to have to do that over and over and over again as long as you need to. Maybe it's something you ask yourself every day. Maybe you start journaling on it, because the truth is is you're not behind, you're becoming and you're growing and you're learning. Just as I am.
Johnna :Like I'm not an expert in any way in dating, in relationships and friendships, but the one thing that I'll say that I love about myself and the one thing that I will always I'm very self like, introspective, like I can truly look at a situation from a 360 view that's where I get myself in trouble a lot, because I'll be like, well, it was all my fault and that's where I have to try it. When I'm looking at it from a 360 view, I have to look at the other person's behavior too and realize like, hey, these are patterns in them that they're they're not, you know, changing. And as much as we want to change someone, the truth is, guys, is we can't we can't change anyone. We can barely change ourselves. So we just have to realize that we can't always change someone and they have to want to do the work. But maybe sometimes losing you or losing something that they really loved is, unfortunately, the catalyst that will get the change happening. But anyways, I'll end it there.
Johnna :So, if no one's told you today, you are allowed to be both a work in progress and worthy of love. Right now, you're allowed to change the story. You're allowed to say I deserve better and actually believe in it. And, yeah, that's where I'm going to end it. So thank you for spending time with me, guys. If this episode hits something tender for you, no, you're not alone. And hey, go be a little softer with yourself. Today, you're doing better than you think. Until next time, guys. As always, bye, bye you.
