Babbling About Grown Men, Boyish Things

#201: Tired of feeling whiplash from dating that starts strong, then fades by month three? We’re pulling the curtain back on the pattern so many women recognize: consistent texts, thoughtful questions, future talk, and then a sudden dip in energy that gets explained away as “not ready” or “let’s go with the flow.” We explore why these early signals feel like intention, how they set expectations, and what to do when words and actions stop matching.

We dig into the deeper wiring, too. If inconsistency felt normal in childhood, your body might confuse unease with chemistry and intensity with safety. That’s why steady effort can feel boring while the rollercoaster feels alive. We also unpack a subtler trend: when emotional intimacy becomes a shortcut to closeness—asking all the right questions without the capacity to maintain real responsibility. Masks don’t just fall; they expire. Around the three to six month mark, performance gives way to patterns, and that’s your clearest data point.

So where does that leave us? With practical choices. We’re choosing actions that don’t need interpretation, a steady pace over fireworks, patterns over promises, and emotional responsibility over convenience. We talk about age and accountability, why access without direction is a dealbreaker, and how to ask for structure without apologizing. Most of all, we reframe “pressure” as a request for alignment: if the reality is close connection, let the definition reflect it. Silence protects the pattern; clarity protects you.

If this conversation resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs a confidence boost, and leave a quick review to help more listeners find us. Your story matters—what pattern are you choosing to stop recycling next?

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Chapters

• 0:00 Naming The Dating Pattern
• 2:27 Strong Starts And Mixed Signals
• 4:30 Consistency, Capacity, And Expectations
• 7:00 Childhood Roots Of Attraction
• 10:35 Emotional Intimacy As Strategy
• 12:13 [Ad] PodMatch
• 12:50 (Cont.) Emotional Intimacy As Strategy
• 14:06 The Mask And Its Expiration
• 15:53 Accountability And Interpreting Intensity
• 18:36 Age, Avoidance, And Clarity
• 20:51 Labels, Timelines, And Honest Talk
• 23:36 Observing Patterns Without The Story
• 25:41 Choosing Steady Connection Over Hype
• 28:06 Silence Versus Clarity And Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

All right, guys, welcome back to another episode of the Babbles Nonsense podcast. And today I wanted to say I'm tired of being silent. Not in an angry way, not in a calling anyone out way, just in a realistic observational way. Because for a long time I've watched certain dating patterns repeat themselves, not just in my life, but in my friends' lives, in conversations with women, in messages I get from listeners, and honestly, in the culture at large, and mostly I blame it on dating apps and social media, but at some point I do feel like that silence stops being protection and starts being participation. So today I wanted to talk about something I think a lot of women experience but rarely speak about clearly, and that's a certain pattern of behavior that shows up in modern dating, especially with emotionally avoidant people. This isn't about blame or bitterness. It's about clarity. It's about understanding what's actually happening underneath the surface of these interactions because the more we understand it, the less we personalize it. So let's get into it. She normally is the one giving advice because clearly I'm not a therapist or a life coach or anything of the sort. And I mean, honestly, I just am not the best dater. I clearly don't have the best track record for a relationship. But I'm very intrigued by them. I think I'm just very observant when it comes to relationships, watching, you know, TikTok advice or Instagram advice, talking to your friends, talking to a therapist, reading a bunch of books. And I think it's just because it's a human dynamic and I'm just very interested in how humans interact with each other, especially as I like I used to be, guys, I used to be so set in my ways, which most maybe would say that I still am, but I feel like I've grown a lot. And I just I think that there are certain things in human nature that we're just drawn to as humans, obviously. Um, but anyways, what catches my attention the most is how many romantic situations start strong. Like someone arrives with genuine interest, they pursue communication, they initiate connection, they mirror your energy, they are consistent, involved, and present. And none of this is imagined. It's not overthinking and it's not wishful thinking. It's truly behavior. It's observable, measurable behavior. Someone texts you good morning and good night. They ask about your day, they ask follow-up questions, they remember details you share casually, they make plans in advance, they express interest in your love life and your routines, they talk about things you could do together in the future. And these are not random acts. They are indicators of direction, or at least, in my opinion, they appear to be. Maybe from the other perspective, it's not. But again, remember, we're we're coming from a woman's perspective in all of this. And of course, we all our perception is all jaded by past experiences, childhood trauma. We've talked about that multiple times on this, you know, podcast. So everything, every interaction is going to have something to do with your past, you know. So it's understandable, even logical, for a woman to interpret this as momentum, like all these things. Because in other contexts of life, consistent investment from someone signals intention. If someone shows up for work every day, we would assume they want their job. If someone studies a language daily, we also assume that they're wanting to learn it, they want to speak it. And then if someone also wants to invest money, time, or energy into anything on a consistent basis, like going to the gym, starting a business, becoming an entrepreneur, we assume that they wanted that outcome because they were genuinely interested in it. Dating is the only arena where people will behave with intention, but claim to have had none. It's like, you know, it's like, did I did I see this correctly? Or was I just wanting to read into it? Was I missing the signals? Or was I only seeing what I wanted to see? But then, you know, women know this timeline well. Something changes, something shifts. And it's often around month two to four, in my opinion, sometimes earlier, sometimes later, the same person who was initiating suddenly becomes very cautious, their tone shifts, the enthusiasm dips, communication becomes irregular, the conversations get shorter, the emotional openness starts to evaporate. And when the women ask for clarity in this situation, not commitment, just clarity, the response is often very confusing. It's like we get a response of, whoa, wait, what gave you the idea this was going somewhere? Or another response might be, I didn't think we were moving in that direction. I'm not ready for anything serious. I didn't want to lead you on. Can't we just go with the flow? Like I'm sure at some point we have all heard that. Um, but here's the observational detail that stands out to me in all of this. The confusion that they claim to have is often in direct conflict with the behavior that is displayed. Let me say that again. The confusion they claim to have is often in direct conflict with the behavior that is displayed. It's not that they didn't communicate interest, it's that they didn't anticipate the emotional impact of their actions. I truly think that people underestimate how much weight consistency carries in someone's life. Because if you're just dating and you're starting out and you don't know another person very well, and maybe you haven't discussed dating past experiences, childhood trauma, whatever it may be that you haven't discussed yet because it's early dating time, you don't know if they had someone consistent in their life or not. So I'm gonna give you two different scenarios. For I've talked about my childhood trauma on this podcast a lot. So I'll just use me for an example. I had parents that were very inconsistent when I was younger. I had a dad that showed up if he wanted to. You know, I could probably count on two hands how many times I actually saw my dad prior to his passing when I was 10. And then, of course, me and my mom were thickest thieves. We were besties up until um I went to college. No, probably not then. Probably high school when my sister was getting in a lot of trouble. So, like looking back as an adult, I can understand when my mom would say, you know, your sister just needs me more at this moment. Like I can understand that from an adult perspective. And obviously I'm not a parent, but I can't understand it from a parental perspective because I have friends, parents that I see talk to them every day, or you know, would just not do well not knowing where their child was and stuff like that. So with me having very inconsistent parents as a child, I unknowingly and you know, unconsciously seek out inconsistent behaviors as an adult, which is something that I'm really trying to work on. Because to me, inconsistency feels normal. It is quote unquote safe, even though it doesn't make me feel good, but my subconscious level, it that's just normalcy. And then you might have someone where they did have very consistent parents or consistent, you know, just consistency in their life in general, like maybe they, you know, were dropped off at school at the same time, picked up at the school at the same time, their mom was off of work at the same time, and they cooked dinner every night at the same time, and there was just a lot of consistency. So they can spot inconsistency and red flags a little bit easier. But it doesn't mean that the feelings are not the same. It doesn't mean that the person that was dating you, and again, like I said, you don't know what the childhood trauma is unless you talk about it. And then I'll just side note this if you do talk about it in the early dating times and they still act that way, boy bye. Boy bye. But, anyways, I think good, I do think that people underestimate how much weight consistency does carry. And I also think that they underestimate how much depth emotional openness creates, they underestimate how much effort shapes expectations. So, like if you're, and we've talked about this on previous podcasts, so when you are doing something at the very beginning of early dating stages, you are setting up both men and women are setting up expectations throughout the relationship. And so for women, that would that might look like women, if you're going in and acting like wifey, you're cleaning the house, you're cooking, you're cleaning, you're doing the dishes, you're happy to do it because you're in that honeymoon phase, you're setting up an expectation that that is what you're going to do throughout the relationship. So you can't be mad at someone when like maybe two years in, you're like, why aren't you helping me do that? Well, you were so happy to do it in the beginning, it set up this expectation. And then vice versa for men, if you're creating these habits of going on dates and wine and dining and you know, so excited to see someone and texting all day, every day, good night, good morning, um, what else or some things? I'm trying to think. I don't have much dating experience. So I'm just trying to think. Um, then those things are expected. And once they stop or cease or slow down, that triggers someone to go, is something wrong? Like, do we need to have a talk? Are you backing away? Are you, and again, all goes back to childhood trauma. I mean, I'm not sitting here trying to blame the childhood trauma. I'm just trying to say our nervous system is already set up a certain way through our childhood trauma that we all have to be aware of and work on because it's our responsibility to do that. It's not the other person's responsibility, but I'm just trying to use it as an example of like why it may trigger someone and why it may not. Um, in my opinion, I feel like most women do get mystified by men. They're responding accurately to what's happening in that moment. Just like I said, if there's these expectations, like you're texting me all day, every day for six months, and then all of a sudden you're texting me three times a week and then twice a week, and then maybe once a week, and then just on weekends, it's like our nervous systems are wired to go, okay, is this the slow ghosting? Am I about to get a no-show, no call right here? You know. But then on the flip side of that, there's another pattern I've noticed, which is something I feel is maybe a little bit more subtle, but could be very common. And certain men, again, not maliciously, just habitually, lead with emotional intimacy. Maybe they're asking about your past, your wounds, your dating patterns, your fears, your hopes. Like I know the first example I gave, like maybe they don't know that, but maybe you're an oversharer like me, and you explain everything to everybody, and that's why I have this podcast, and maybe I should learn to quit doing that, but I still do it. Um, and it seems, and it appears and it seems like they want to understand you, or maybe they want to know what you've been through. It feels like they ask all the right questions. They're thoughtful, they're intentional, they're caring. And in the beginning, this feels very emotionally safe. Like you're just like, wow, I can really open up to this person. It feels very comforting to know that someone is actually genuinely listening. And it feels like someone is learning how to show up for you. Like you're those expectations, like, wow, I've just never had someone have this great conversation before. But sometimes, and I'm not saying all the time, because you know, again, coming from my perspective, I can't speak for everyone and all men and all women. But sometimes it does feel like this information becomes less of a guide. Like you're giving them, like, hey, this is how I've been treated in the past, and I don't really like it. And it becomes more of a blueprint. And maybe that's also unconsciously, like in their subconscious that they don't even realize they're doing it. Maybe that was have always been their pattern all along, and y'all were just magnetically brought together. I don't know. This is just me rambling. Um, because it feels like sometimes when you're telling these stories, they are learning what makes you feel secure and they're learning what consistency means to you. Um, maybe they're learning what your love looks like, what your triggers are, how you bond, how you attach, your love languages, all the things. Because that's what early dating stages is about, right? To see if y'all are compatible, to see if this works and see if it's compatibility, not just chemistry or both, or or just chemistry. You know, it's it's all a learning thing. And instead of using that insight for protection, I feel like sometimes it's used for connection and connection that maybe they're not intending to maintain because they know going into this that they're not really looking for something serious or something, like a relationship at that moment. So what looks like vulnerability sometimes can come across as strategy. And I'm not saying again, it may not be intentional. Sometimes I think sometimes people do things, it's not to be manipulative, but maybe it's a little convenient for what they need in the moment, a way to gain emotional access without earning long-term responsibility. And eventually, that performance it does plateau because you cannot consistently perform emotional availability you don't actually possess. And this is where I know mean you would pop in and go, This is when the mask falls off because everyone can wear a mask. Usually she says between three and six months. Some people let theirs down sooner, some people can can carry it on. I think she said, don't quote me on this, but I think she said in one of the podcasts that she tells everyone not to get engaged um before the one-year mark, because some people can extend their mask up to the one-year mark, and you just want to know who someone truly is before that, or like when that mask comes off. Um and it's not really a shift, isn't it like the shift isn't the mask is falling, it's that mask is mask is expiring. Like that's not who they truly are. And that's really important because if the mask were just falling, then they could just pull it right back up, right? But if that's not who they genuinely are at their core and what they truly want in their heart of hearts, then it is an expiration date because they don't want to do it anymore. And then that's either when you quote unquote grow apart, you break up, the fight start, whatever it may be. But I also need to talk about staying accountable where it needs to be, and like where I stay accountable and where many women may see themselves in this, is that we have to acknowledge that we do participate in these dynamics by giving the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes we overinterpret short-term consistency as long-term capacity, and there's a huge difference between the consistency and the capacity. We see emotional intensity as emotional maturity. Sometimes we assume that a strong start guarantees a stable middle. And sometimes we confuse potential with reliability. Potential feels very exciting and consistency feels safe. So, again, depending on your childhood trauma, sometimes consistency, if it feels safe, might feel uncomfortable because you're not used to feeling safe. You're not used to being in a secure relationship with yourself, with your parents, with your friends, because that's not something that you were taught. That's not something that you've had consistently, you know. So it feels like boredom. I've said this on the podcast before. Like, if you sometimes, like when you're in a relationship, you're like, I'm just bored, it's not exciting. Sometimes that just means you're in a very safe relationship, which all you have to judge your own relationships. Like, I'm just speaking in blanket terms, and I know that blanket terms don't go for everybody. But, anyways, getting back to the topic. Um, intensity is not the same thing as intention, and emotional availability is not the same thing as emotional readiness. When you observe objectively, the pattern becomes very clear, and women often give more credit to early behavior than it deserves. I know I'm guilty of this myself, and men often underestimate how powerful early behavior actually is. And again, like I probably should have started this um conversation with a like a preface um saying, like, this isn't all men, and I understand that there are some women out there doing the exact same things I'm talking about. I'm just again talking about from my perception and dating life and what I've observed over the years with just talking to many women on this podcast and in the DMs and stuff like that. It's just interesting how dating, and I'm not saying it has changed, it seems that it has changed because I think there's just more access to know if it has. Who knows? This could have been going on for centuries and there would just wasn't no social media or dating apps. You know what I'm saying? Um, but we can also, like moving on off that, because I was getting on a tangent and I just realized I was. Um, it can become interesting when we start looking at ages when it comes to dating, because you would expect these patterns from someone in their 20s, people still developing emotional language, still forming identity, still figuring themselves out, right? Like that's what we're all about in our 20s. But when this behavior shows up in men in their late 30s, 40s, and beyond, 50s, 60s, hell, I've seen some men out here in these streets in their 60s. Um, it signals something different in my brain. It's not immaturity, but maybe a lack of internal clarity. These are men who manage careers, homes, finances, co-parenting schedules, personal responsibilities. These are men who understand accountability in every area of life except maybe their emotional one. Um, it's not that they don't know what they want, it's that they don't want to be responsible for the impact of what they're doing. And again, I can't speak for all men. I'm just like, this is again coming from like what it feels like. It feels more like avoidance, like at that, especially at that stage of life. I don't feel like it's accidental because especially if you've been in a long-term committed relationship before, whether that be a partnership, a marriage, then you kind of know the ebbs and flows of what a relationship looks like. But it's more of a way of maintaining access to connection without committing to a direction. And I get it. Like some people, like maybe they were married for 10 plus years and they don't they're not ready to jump into something else, or maybe they don't want marriage again at all because maybe the marriage prior to that kind of scarred them. Kind of like how I talk about childhood trauma. We can have adult trauma too, and that's okay. But I think that's where it's got to be communicated, right? Like it's gotta be like upfront, honest, and be like, hey, like, look, this is this is all I have the capacity for, be here or don't, and let the other person decide. And I think that's where the mix-up comes because I'm talking like I've been on dating apps before where the whole profile is like I want a relationship, you know, or you know, it it tells you like what are you looking for? And it says like relationship, long-term commitment, short-term commitment, whatever, whatever the options are. And then you go on some dates with these guys, and it seems to be going really nice. Like you're talking every day, you're going on maybe two to three dates a week. It's like, okay, this this seems you're vibing, your conversation's great, you're laughing, everything's great, right? Like, and again, around 2.5 to three months when you wanna, you don't want to be and it coming from a girl, this is this is what's hard. You like, you don't want to be like, what are we? Because that's a very scary term to men I've learned. Maybe just the men I'm dating, I don't know. And you don't want to be that person that's like, what are we doing? Because you're not trying to force a relationship or be like, I that I want this commitment right now, I want marriage tomorrow. But I know that's sometimes maybe what men hears, but it's more of like a hey, I need to know if like I need to. Like be dating other people, I need to be knowing what you're kind of what you're looking for. And I think at that moment, if a woman asks, or maybe you should if if you see that y'all are hanging out more, maybe it's a just a volunteer of the information, but it nonetheless, why I get it. Why would you if you if you're getting everything that you want the perks that you want? But if someone asks, maybe just be very honest and be like, well, at this point in my life, I'm not really looking for a relationship. I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I am still seeing other people. I don't know when or if I will ever want a relationship and let the other person dip out if that's not what they want. If that person wants to stay around, which I've been the girl that stays around because we do fall in love sometimes with potential in people, thinking, but they're just so great. Like if they would just stay this way all the time, but then after reading some books and talking to, you know, therapists and stuff like that, like, no, that's not how it is. If you can't love someone where they are in that moment and like without changing them, then it's time to move on to the next person because it doesn't mean they're a bad person. It just means that y'all aren't compatible in that moment. And you never know. I'm a very big believer in fate down the line. You never know when you may bump into someone that you had great chemistry with, great experience with, like a couple of years down the road, and then the timeline is just better. And I know there's people out there that say, no, absolutely not, but I believe in it. Maybe I watch too many romantic movies, but okay, going back to the topic, to me, what becomes very clear is when you remove emotion and just start observing these patterns. Like, and I've learned a lot just doing this podcast, talking to me and you, which leads me down TikTok, you know, my algorithm because my phone's listening to me as I record, and then it leads me down this advice. I'm like, huh, interesting. Never would have thought about that. Whereas before in my teens and 20s, like if somebody said something that I didn't believe, I'd be like, absolutely not, whatever. But now I'm actually very interested in other people's opinions. And I know sometimes it doesn't seem like that because I'll just kind of spat back, like, what's the why is my brain stopping? Um, like a like I'll like challenge that, like challenge that thought, but it really is out of genuine curiosity sometimes. Like I know I ask a lot of questions and that can come across as being rude or like you don't believe someone, but sometimes it's truly just like I'm trying to understand and get the pieces to fit in my brain how someone else is thinking. So it's not meant to be rude or disrespectful. It's sometimes genuinely out of curiosity. But I feel that some men want the benefits of closeness without the structure of commitment. And that's not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying communicate that because maybe you're with a girl that wants a relationship, but I know there's girls out there that also want closeness and they don't want commitment. So, like I'm kind of in between that, right? Like, I genuinely want closeness. I think that humans are meant to interact and be to get like in togetherness, but at the same time, I don't know where I stand with marriage yet. Like, I've never, like I've said on this podcast many times, I've never been that girl that was like, oh my gosh, I can picture myself in this white dress doing that. No, like I just don't know. I'm not opposed to it, but I'm not like, yes, I'm so ready to run down the aisle, which I guess works in my favor because you know, being in my late 30s, sometimes that can start messing with a girl's head. But like fortunately, I've just never had that as a picturesque, you know, romantic rom-com in my head. Now, sure, I want a genuine partnership. I want a best friend that I can talk to, laugh with, lean on, those type things. But jury still out of marriage, I'm not gonna say yes and I'm not gonna say no at this point because who knows what will happen. Um, going back to what I was saying, I was saying I feel like men want the benefits of the closeness without the structure of commitment. It it comes across like they want the warmth, the attention, the consistency, the presence, the emotional support, the physical intimacy, the reassurance, the stability. But a lot of times they don't want the responsibility that accompanies being someone's partner because that is a lot of responsibility. It's a lot to carry someone's emotional weight on your shoulders. But I think if there's a genuine partnership where there's honest communication where someone's not offended and you learn each other, I think there's ways to communicate that. And sometimes it can come across as wanting proximity without presence, access without accountability, affection without definition, connection without commitment, girlfriend energy without the girlfriend title. And when that imbalance gets named, the woman becomes the problem. So, like when we call it out or we're saying we're feeling this way, it's you know, comments like you're moving too fast, or you're reading into things, or you're putting a lot of pressure on me, you have high expectations, whatever blanket statement you can put there, those are when those come. But again, from an observational standpoint, women aren't creating pressure. We're just identifying structure. We're not asking for a title sometimes. We're asking for clarity that matches the reality. We're asking for, you said all this in the beginning, where's the action to follow it up? And I know a lot of my friends will be like, just don't communicate that, just leave. And I'm like, yeah, but I I don't know, maybe I should learn that. I'm just huge on communication, maybe too much so. But when the behavior, like the action and the talk don't align, that's when confusion happens. And I think that's when things break down and we're just trying to all understand. And through all of this, through all of this, what I've said, like that's why I'm kind of done being silent about it. Not because I'm angry and not because I'm hurt, but because just sitting here observing over the course of I think the podcast will be either five or six years old this January. I think six, because I started it in 2020. And just talking to a lot of people, I just feel like truly observing without honesty can become self-betrayal. Like you'll fall into these gaps. So I think it's it's good to talk about it. I think it's good to have that connection and to have people relate because silence allows patterns to continue, but when you get clarity, it interrupts it. And speaking about patterns, it's not to blame any men, it's not to call out anyone, it's just to simply acknowledge reality and the perception that I have as a woman dating. It gives language to experience women constantly second guess. Because once you see that pattern, I feel like you stop personalizing it. You stop thinking you did something wrong, you stop trying to win someone over, you stop attaching meaning to inconsistency, you stop romanticizing potential, you start making decisions based on what's actually happening in that moment and not what you hoped would happen. Because, like Mew has always said, we tell ourselves these stories, right? And you got to get out of the story. You got to see what's happening, the truth in front of your face and genuinely connecting with that. So I guess where does that leave me? Um, for me, I feel like I'm in more of an intentional place now. I don't feel like I'm colder. I don't feel like I'm trying to be guarded. I feel like I'm just trying to sit back and observe and trying to, for me, grow as a human as well because I know I'm not perfect and I know I do a lot of things wrong or inconsistent myself. And it's human nature. And so I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be hurt. And choosing, I feel like choosing men whose actions don't need interpretation is where I'm at now. Um, choosing connection that builds at a steady pace instead of an intense one, choosing consistency over chemistry, patterns over promises, emotional responsibility over emotional convenience. That's where I'm at. Because maturity isn't about avoiding disappointment, it's about refusing to recycle it. And peace never comes from silence, it comes from clarity. Silence protects the pattern. Clarity is protecting me. So I'll end it there, guys. I hope you liked this. If you did, share it with someone you know needs it. But until next time, bye.