Babbling About Why Saint Valentine Wouldn't Approve

#211: Love proves itself in presence, not in posts—and that’s the heartbeat of our latest conversation. We start by zooming out from the flower-and-feed version of Valentine’s Day to the story of Saint Valentine, a reminder that love began as a risky choice rooted in conviction. From there, we challenge the modern script: the pressure to perform, the chase for butterflies, and the quiet ache of measuring ourselves against curated timelines.

We unpack a steadier definition of love through the Corinthians lens—patient, kind, not boastful—and contrast it with the stories that shaped us. Disney rescue arcs and grand gestures taught many of us to confuse attention with love and chemistry with compatibility. As we compare fantasy to adult life, we talk plainly about what endures: consistent behavior, repair over blame, and a willingness to listen without making someone shrink to fit. That’s where attachment styles enter the chat. Naming anxious or avoidant patterns can help, but we refuse to use them as a hall pass. Accountability is the bridge from insight to change.

Real talk: sometimes love isn’t enough. If capacity, timelines, or values don’t align, the kinder choice is to stop chasing potential and choose clarity. We explore what calm, chosen love feels like—clear signals, mutual effort, and room to be fully yourself—and why safety isn’t boring; it’s the soil where connection grows. Along the way we tackle the “if they wanted to, they would” mantra with nuance, emphasizing patterns over promises. The goal isn’t to want less; it’s to want the right kind of love and to pick situations that match it.

If Valentine’s Day stung, treat it as data, not defeat. Share this with someone who needs the reminder that care without consistency is not the same as love. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what pattern are you ready to stop chasing?

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Valentine’s Day Stings
• 1:06 The Legend Of Saint Valentine
• 2:25 From Sacrifice To Social Performance
• 3:46 What Love Means In Corinthians
• 5:18 Disney Myths And Real Expectations
• 7:08 Behavior Over Words And Potential
• 8:55 Attachment Styles And Accountability
• 11:10 When Love Isn’t Enough
• 13:35 Directness, Repair, And Maturity
• 16:20 If They Wanted To, They Would
• 18:20 Calm, Clear, Chosen Love

Transcript

Why Valentine’s Day Stings

Johnna 0:00

What is up, everyone? Welcome back to another episode of the Babbles Nonsense podcast. Today we are going to talk about something that just passed, and that was Valentine's Day, but not the candy version, not the Instagram version, not that soft launch and roses on the counter top version. I want to talk about what love actually is. And you know, we all know that love is very subjective. Um, because I think a lot of us just had felt something on Valentine's Day, whether that be that you're partnered up, you're single, you're in a situationship, whatever it may be. Maybe you felt joy, gratitude, indifference, or maybe even a little disappointment. Um, so yeah, that's what we're gonna talk about today. So if you're interested, stay tuned. All right. So before we get into the emotional depth side of this, we have to zoom out for a second because we have to kind of talk about the history of what Valentine's Day is, possibly even what, you know, historians say love is or where it comes from. Um, so how to do a little research. So um, Valentine's Day wasn't originally about roses and dinner reservations, who would have thought? Um, it does trace back, I'm sure you all have heard of Saint Valentine, who was a priest in ancient Rome. And so the story goes something, this is what I found. Um the story goes a little something like this There was an emperor, Claudus II, who banned marriage for young soldiers because he believed that single men made better warriors. Valentine secretly performed marriages, anyways. So he believed in love enough to risk his life for it. And eventually Saint Valentine was executed, and legend says he signed a letter before his death from your Valentine. So apparently that's where all of this started. We're gonna use the word allegedly because I love when people do that. Um, so it didn't start with flowers or pressure or expectations or dinner reservations or getting somebody something on Valentine's Day. It was all about sacrifice because he truly believed in love. And so that kind of brings us to like where we are when it comes to love or what it has turned into, right? It has turned into something like proving, posting, performing, whether that be measuring effort, watching who shows up, waiting for someone to choose you loudly. And it seems that on Valentine's Day, it really amplifies that. It can amplify it in the way of like my partner should be doing something, or it amplifies like if you're single, like how single you are, right? So that we see these posts like Galantine's Day or whatever if you're single, or people being like National Single Awareness Day. We see all of that. And it's that one day that forces us to confront a question that is like, Am I loved the way I want to be loved? And that question can hurt if you're not feeling that, because sometimes that answer isn't always clear. Sometimes someone watches your life from a distance but never steps into it, steps up for it. And sometimes someone says they care, but then they don't really show it or act like it. And sometimes love feels like potential instead of presence. And I think when we come around these holidays, whether that be Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, like it always amplifies something. Maybe it's an insecurity that we're feeling, a gap between what your mind is saying versus what your heart is saying and all of that, right? So we're gonna touch on that in just a second. So hold that thought. I wanted to break down a little bit of what I found history-wise on the definition of quote unquote love, and then kind of tell you where I think we as society has gone wrong. And of course, this is all opinion, right? So everyone can have a different opinion. But from the historical perspective, you know, going back to biblical terms, the Bible defines love in first epistle to the to the Corinthians chapter 13. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. So just speaking biblically and historically, that's not the butterfly type love that we've been taught about. That's not having anxiety, inconsistency. It's speaking about love in a steady, active, choosing, showing up way. And I think that's the part we struggle with a lot, especially in society nowadays. I don't, I mean, obviously, I was born in the 80s, I grew up in the 90s, and we grew up on Disney movies and princesses, and you know, that's where we were taught, quote unquote, what love is, um, where a man is always rescuing you and they always have a romantic gesture and they're always gonna show up and be that person that you wanted them to be because you fantasized enough about it. And I think that's where we confuse things. So we confuse attention with love, we confuse chemistry with love, and history with a person. But as I'm growing older, and the more, you know, I do these podcasts and go to therapy and talk to people about relationships because it's something that I have, as I've gotten older, been like, you know, this is something that I really do want. And maybe the relationship that we've all imagined or fantasized about because we grew up watching these dense Disney princess movies is not what we truly think it is. So, like getting in that nitty-gritty of like, what do you want and not what society or history tells you it is? Because to me, what I've grown to understand or want for myself is that love is showing up in behavior. It's not, you know, fantasizing someone's potential, it's not even words, um, and it's not a maybe one day, but it's that behavior and like repetition. And I know we've talked on this podcast about, and this is kind of where I was saying, hold that thought from earlier, here it comes, um, what we want out of a relationship or a partner. And just generally speaking, like love is hard to define. Love is hard to say what it is, and we all want to kind of use psychology nowadays and try to explain someone's behavior or effort or whatever it may be. Like we've talked about on this podcast about trauma and you know, childhood trauma and um our love attachment styles, whether that be anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, we've kind of talked about it all. And yes, those things are important, but I think that we have to stop excusing behavior around stuff. Like, for example, I know I have an anxious attachment style. Um, I know it's because, you know, we it's ingrained in us, it's something we have to work on, and it will always be there, but that doesn't mean I get to use it as an excuse, just like my childhood trauma. Like I'm aware of it, I know it's gonna be there. It's something I'm actively having to work on, but that doesn't mean I get to use it as an excuse every time something comes up in my life. Now, I can explain like my behavior sometimes and say, Oh, yeah, that just came out. I can explain it. But I guess the difference is is realizing it, working on it, and knowing that that's something that's lifelong, and we have to hold ourselves accountable. And I think that's just kind of where I'm growing in all of this, is that I'm realizing like you can love someone. Um, you can't control their feelings back towards you. You can't chase potential, you can't make someone feel something that they don't feel, or you can't change someone else's attachment style, childhood trauma, any of those things if they're not willing to look at it and hold themselves accountable. Um, sometimes we're in love with people who um maybe you're avoid or maybe don't want to talk about things or talk things out. And that's okay. That doesn't mean they're wrong, that doesn't mean you're wrong. That just means that you're just not a match, and it doesn't matter how much you love a person because sometimes, and I don't know if you've heard this before, love isn't enough. And it's really not. Like when I sit down and talk to my therapist about what I want in a relationship, or when I when me and me and you sit down and have conversations, sometimes love isn't enough in a relationship, and that doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is, platonic friendships, um, family, because sometimes even though you love someone and you care about them and you respect them, they can continuously disappoint you. Same vice versa, like someone may really, really love you and you could continuously disappoint. That doesn't mean I won't be there, and that doesn't mean that I'm not going to continue to love this person. It just means that maybe our personalities and what we're wanting out of relationships aren't the same. And I think that's where it's hard to accept because we've been taught our entire life, like, just love someone, have those butterflies, um, and it will all work out. And I think that's where we get it wrong, is that love is work. Um, it's not just gonna be like, oh, because I love you, it's just gonna fall into place like we see in the movies. Um, and I think the more we talk about it, and that's just again, okay, for example, that's how I am, and that's what I realize I want in a relationship, any relationship, whether that be a friendship or a romantic one, I'm a very direct person. And I understand that that not everyone is that way, and I do have to sometimes alter my behavior knowing that I have to accommodate others, but not so much in the sense that I'm not who I am. Hope that hopefully that makes sense. Like I'm learning that sometimes I get in friendships or relationships where people don't appreciate my directness, and it comes across to them as um complaining or blaming or faulting when it's not. It's more of a in my eyes, it's more of conversation. Let's talk about this. Where can you tell me where you know things bother you? And I can also address that in a respectful, adult-like manner and grow from it. And I think that's just where I'm at, and it's hard to find humans that are ready to be emotionally available and you know, emotionally mature enough to have those conversations because they're not fun. They're not fun to sit down and have conversations and hear something that maybe you're doing that someone else dislikes, especially when you care about the person and you think you're doing everything right. Um, because I think we just have to face that we're all flawed human beings and we all have potential to be better every single day. Um, so I think that's just where the hard truth, you know, when we have holidays like Valentine's Day, that it sometimes reveals in us that if someone wants to love you well, that they will. Um, and I don't know, you know, there's that whole saying of if they wanted to, they would. And I do believe that to a certain extent. Um but I think there's things that hold people back. But again, if they wanted to, they would. Like if they really wanted to work on something and a behavior that really bothered someone that they cared about, they would. But if they don't feel like that they're doing anything wrong and they don't want to work on it, then obviously they're not going to. Um but again, if someone wanted to love you well, I really do feel like they would. And it's not gonna be perfect and it's not gonna be easy, like again, like we're taught, but it's a consistency. It's more of a like a listening and a pattern recognition. Um because love doesn't leave you confused. It doesn't require you to shrink yourself to keep it in the orbit, and it doesn't villainize you when you express your needs or your emotions. It's just open and it's willing and it's hard and sometimes it's uncomfortable. And that's where I think we have a disconnect about what love is because we think it's supposed to be easy and full of butterflies and happiness, and that's not always what it is, but if it's consistent and it's growing together, then I think it can be that. Um, but just because someone cares about you does not mean that they are capable of loving you the way you deserve it, because there's a difference in care and love. Like I care about so many people. Um, but that doesn't mean I'm, you know, uh well, and there's also a difference, I should say this and preface this, of loving someone and being in love with someone. And that's where I think it hurts because we can care and we can love someone all day long, but having the capacity to do it in the way that someone needs it, or having that I'm in love with you capacity are not the same thing as just caring and loving. Because I think that's where it separates friendships from romantic partnerships. I think that I can love and care about a lot of friends, which separates when I'm in love with someone else because I want to do more for them. I, you know, I care. And it's not that you don't care about someone's feelings, it's more just like it doesn't affect you the same way. And again, it's that's where it's hard to have these conversations because everyone's idea of love, care, capacity are all different. And I think that's why it's very important in relationship and friendships to have those conversations. Like if something is feeling off and you need to have those conversations, it's likely just a disconnect of what your definitions of these things are. But, anyways, um, if you felt disappointed this year on Valentine's Day, I want you to know that that doesn't make you needy. Um, it just means that you are desiring a partnership. Maybe you're desiring effort, reciproc, oh gosh, I have a hard time with this word. I'm just gonna say reciprocation. Or maybe it's just safety. Maybe that looks a little different. That's not chasing those butterflies and it looks like boringness in a way, and that's something I'm trying to embrace is that feeling bored a little bit and safe is a little bit better than feeling chaos all the time and chasing something that doesn't want to be caught, essentially. And I don't think that's weakness, and I don't think you know that we should be scared to express that. I think that's just showing emotional maturity because the goal isn't to not want love, the goal is to want the right kind of love, and I think that's where I'm at on my journey. Um I'll be honest, I don't know if I know what actual love feels like because it's been a really long time since I've been in a romantic partnership where I wasn't chasing it or wasn't trying to hold on to it for dear life. And I'm just learning that if you have to chase something and you have to hold on to it for dear life, then clearly it's a mismatch. And clearly, you know, it's just not the right person because the right person wants to work on it with you. And from what I hear from my friends who have really great marriages or talking to a therapist, and you know, what real love is supposed to feel like from their perspective is, you know, it's calm, it's safe, it's reciprocated, it's clear, it's warm, it's chosen, it's allowing you to show up as you are, it's allowing you to express your feelings, you know, safely and not worried that someone is going to either judge those feelings or run away from those feelings. It's not this chaos, breadcrumbed, half in, half out, um kind of feeling. Um, it's not supposed to feel like you're constantly repairing something within yourself or, you know, holding yourself back. It's supposed to feel like you're building something, you know, in a togetherness. But that's what I wanted to say. I just wanted to get those thoughts out there because Valentine's Day started with someone risking everything for love. It wasn't someone halfway showing up or circling or watching from a distance, but someone actually choosing, you know, and like we said, to risk their life in a way. So maybe the takeaway isn't, did someone choose me on Valentine's Day? Maybe we should shift that focus to am I choosing situations that align with what love actually is? And if that answer is no, then that's okay. Because awareness is the first act of self-love. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is walk away from something that really isn't love, that is more the potential of love that you're visualizing in that story that we're telling ourselves. And we won't get into the deeper thoughts of why we're telling ourselves stories because again, that goes back to past situations. But and one thing I will say is like kind of like the Super Bowl with Bad Bunny, where he had the banner of the saying that said, the only thing more powerful than hate is love or something like that. And that's true. My uncle used to say something very similar. Like he, like when he got a divorce, he was like, you know, he well, he always said like the opposite of love is hate, and I choose not to hate you, therefore I love you. But now I've learned that the opposite of, you know, that is indifference. But anyways, um, just those sayings that we've been taught is like that is so true. And like we, whether we're talking about platonic relationships, romantic relationships, or just how we're treating other human beings in general, it's easier to just hate someone because that doesn't require effort, that doesn't require reciprocation, it doesn't require any accountability on your end. It's easier just to spew, you know, hateful, derogatory, whatever. That's that's so easy. But to actually like care about someone else's feelings and to work on yourself and to show up and to be accountable, that's hard. And I think that's how we know someone genuinely loves us, right? Because if someone's willing to put in that effort, then man, like you're lucky because that's not always that's not always the case. And I and we all know like divorce is high. And I used to be so scared of that. But at the end of the day, like if you had five years, ten years, twenty years of loving with someone, I think that's better than going your entire life without it or chasing it. Um, but anyways, I'll stop there. If this resonated with you, obviously share it with someone who needs to hear it. And just remember that love isn't proven in a post, it's proven in presence. And that's where I'm gonna end it. So love you all, guys. So yeah, I'll see you next week. Until then, bye.