Babbling About: The Dark Side of Holding Space

#220:  “Holding space” sounds like love, maturity, and emotional intelligence. But what happens when it’s actually you getting less and less of what you need and calling it patience? We go deep on the fine line between supporting someone through a hard season and slowly abandoning yourself to keep a connection alive. 

I talk through how this shows up in real friendships and relationships: a person who used to check in becomes inconsistent, and we start filling in the gaps with explanations. Sometimes they really are overwhelmed or busy. Other times, it’s a pattern of low effort that we’re scared to name because it forces a hard question: am I being met, or am I just staying? We break down why wanting consistency, clarity, and care isn’t “too much,” and why boundaries are not the same thing as pressure or criticism. 

We also get honest about priorities, intention, and the trap of potential. Glimpses of effort can keep you stuck, but connection is built on repeatable actions, not occasional moments. I share a healthier way to “hold space” that doesn’t require dramatic endings: stop overextending, stop overcompensating for what’s missing, and meet people where they actually are while staying truthful about where you are. 

If this hits home, subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a review. What’s one place in your life where you’ve been calling self-abandonment “understanding”?

Transcript

Switching Gears And The Big Idea

Johnna 0:00

What is up, everyone? Welcome back to another episode of the Babble's Nonsense podcast. We are going to completely switch gears this week. And thank you for allowing me to have my political stance for a moment, maybe a little bit more on that later. But this week I want to talk about something that I feel a lot of us get wrong. And I know I've gotten it wrong too. And that's this idea of holding space for people. Because it sounds healthy when we say it out loud, but it also can sound a little mature or maybe emotionally aware. It sounds like something you're supposed to do if you care about someone. Like, oh, let's just give them space, be a little bit more patient. People are going through hard times, not everyone moves the same way. Whatever you want to insert there, right? And all of that is true. But I think where it gets a little confusing is we start calling things like quote unquote holding space that are actually just us slowly getting less of what we need and trying to make ourselves okay with it. And that doesn't just happen in relationships, that happens in friendships too. And that's what I want to dive into today. So if you're interested in this topic, then stay tuned. All right. So pretty deep topic. Um, obviously, events that transpired in my life kind of inspired this. And I just wanted to hopefully put how I feel out there. That's what these podcasts are about, right? So what I was saying in the intro is like just holding space for people. And yes, that is a great thing, but then sometimes we can over-marginalize it in a way, and it's in friendships, relationships, whether it be romantic or platonic. Like we could have a friend who used to show up for us, used to check on us, used to be present, and then over time it became very inconsistent. And instead of addressing it, like in that moment, we might we may just make excuses. Like we may say, Oh, they're just busy, they've got a lot going on. I don't want to be that person. Or possibly in dating situation, it could look very much like they care, they just show up differently than I do. Maybe they're overwhelmed in a moment. I need to be more understanding. And again, I'm not saying any of that is not true because a lot of the times it is, but then a lot of times it's not. And I think that's the part we avoid to communicate or to say, because it is easier to give people the benefit of the doubt than to sit with the reality that maybe they're just not showing up the way we need, and that's okay too. And that doesn't make them a bad person because they're not showing up the way you need, but it also doesn't make it something you should keep adjusting yourself to fit if that's not what is aligned with you and what you're not wanting. And that's where that shift happens because at first we're very likely open, especially if it's something new, especially in dating. We're very understanding, flexible, whatever, whatever you want to say. But then slowly over time, as you continue to adjust yourself, we start saying less of what we want. We start asking for less, we start convincing ourselves that what we need isn't really that big of a deal because we just want them to stay in our lives for whatever reason that may be, whether that be childhood trauma, triggers, whatever, abandonment, whatever. And that's when holding space turns into self-abandonment because it can be a positive and it can be a negative. Obviously, we need to hold space for people if they're going through things and it's a consistent effort. But when things are being inconsistent and they're going back and forth and we're still holding space for that, then we are abandoning ourselves. Because now it's not about giving them room, it's about us shrinking so the situation still works. Like, because we care, because we want them still to be there, because we want this person in our life. And the hard part and the reality of it is it doesn't happen all at once. It can be very subtle over time. Like we don't even realize we're doing it until one day you wake up and you're like, why do I feel so disconnected in this relationship? Why do I not feel as strongly for this friendship as I once did? Why do I feel like I'm the only one thinking about this? Why am I the only one reaching out? Why does this always feel one-sided? Why do I feel like my feelings aren't heard? And then you start questioning yourself, Am I asking for too much? Am I being too sensitive? Am I not being understanding enough? Is it me? Is my feelings too much? Am I too much? Wanting consistency, in my opinion, is not asking for too much. Wanting effort is not asking for too much, and wanting to feel like a priority in someone's life, again, is not asking for too much. That's bare minimum in any healthy connection, friendship or relationship, whatever we're talking about. Even in family, friend family ships, whatever the word for that is. And I think we've gotten so used to people being inconsistent in today's modern day with so social media and just being busy in general, because we're we're we are a very busy generation, that when someone actually wants clarity and effort, it and they express that or they try to communicate communicate that, it can very much feel like pressure or someone, you know, criticizing and chastising. And obviously it's all on how we say things, right? But for me, in my opinion, it's not pressure, it's just an expectation, it's a boundary, it's what you allow things to happen, it's respect. And here's the part that really changed how I started looking at things because it's not always about the time with people, and it's not always about the time of how it happens or when it happens. It's not about the distance, and it's not always about how busy someone is. Because, again, like I said, we live in a very busy generation because that's just how we were grow grown up to and taught. Like the busier you are, the more productive you are, or it appears that you're more successful. Because people will make time for what they actually prioritize to a certain degree, right? Like, I know there's a lot of things out on the internet saying, like, oh, this saying is so crazy, or oh, this saying is so right. In my life, I remember like I'm a big gym rat. I've always expressed that that I love going to the gym. And I would always say that people make time for what they want to make time for because I would get up, whether it be three o'clock in the morning, four o'clock in the morning, to go to the gym because that was a priority in my life. As I got older and realized like health-wise, like sometimes sleep is more important than going to the gym. My priorities changed. But my priority at that moment was sleep. So I was prioritizing sleep over going to the gym. So I was still making time for what I was prioritizing in my life. Um, I know there's certain, like if I'm dating someone new, I may be prioritizing them more over friendships that I've had forever. And no one's right or wrong in this situation. Everyone has a different viewpoint, and that's what makes humans human in the world so wonderful that we live in, is because that we all do have these different perspectives and these different viewpoints that honestly all of us are right to some degree, and then all of us are also wrong to some degree. But the beauty of it all when you're bringing two people together, again, whether that be a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship, is that compromise. Like, how do we compromise our two different viewpoints on the situation to come together and make it work? And that's only gonna happen if the two people want to make it work, right? And I know people hate hearing that because it feels very harsh, but honestly, it's just so true. You have people in long-distance relationships who talk every day, maybe they plan some visits, who stay connected despite being hours apart or possibly cross-country. And you also have friendships where people they check in, they show up, they stay consistent, even when they have full lives, jobs, kids, all the things, right? So at some point, it it's not really about circumstances anymore because we can use our circumstances as any type of excuse. It's really about intention and where you want this person in your life. And once we see that, we can't unsee it because we start realizing, like, oh, it's not that they can't, it's that they're not choosing to in the same way. And also, like, just a caveat like obviously people are not gonna show up in the same way that you are, but if you're expressing your needs and people continuously cannot meet them, that is a conversation that has to be had, and it shouldn't be taken as criticism, it should also be taken as a compromise because maybe someone's needs like mine, maybe my needs are just too much for someone, but this person genuinely still cares about you and wants to be in your life. There has to be some type of compromise where maybe I back off a little bit on my needs and they put in a little bit more effort on their end. And again, that doesn't mean that someone doesn't care at all. It does mean that maybe it might not matter in the way that you've been telling yourself it does. And sometimes that is a hard truth to sit with because now we're not just holding space, we're holding on to potential of something that you want, and you're trying to make that want into somebody that maybe either isn't that way, that's not their values, that's not how they see things, and maybe they don't want to be that. And we are projecting that onto someone, and that's really not fair to them. And you're holding on to what it could be if they showed up differently. And the problem with potential is it does keep you stuck in that moment because you're always like, well, they can be this way. I've seen glimpses glimpses of it. I know they're capable. Okay, but is that consistent? Is that happening all the time? Are they intentional about it? Are they meeting you where you are, not just occasionally, but very regularly? Because that's what actually builds something. Not moments, not glimpses, not when it's convenient, but that consistency. And this is where people get really uncomfortable, especially in these conversations, because this is where a decision does have to be made at some point. And that is where it can get a little uncomfortable, right? Because this is where we have to make a decision. Am I okay with this dynamic as it is? Not a well, will this change? Because if you're not okay with it how it is now, then something has to shift. I've always been taught, and I can't remember if this was in therapy or coaching, but like if you can't accept someone how they are in the moment, like maybe it was coaching with menu. It was like, if you can't accept someone right now, like would you would you progress further in this relationship, this friendship right now if nothing else changed? And you have to accept that moment in time, which obviously people grow, right? And I'm not saying just okay, just look at them right now. If that's not what you want, exnay them out of your life. That's not what I'm saying because people do grow, and that's where conversations, mature conversations, have to be had and mutual respect for each other and compromises. That's one thing that is the biggest pet peeve of mine is that a lot of people are so quick to give up on things because they're not getting their way or they're saying, like, oh, we're not seeing eye to eye. Well, of course we're not. We're two very different people bringing two very different viewpoints into this relationship, into this friendship. So depending on the amount of how much you matter to me, how much I care about you, is dependent upon how much I'm willing to sacrifice what I want to sacrifice, but also it has to be mutual. Like, are you willing to sacrifice and come off of some things a little bit as well? And that shift doesn't always mean like just cutting someone off completely or ending things very dramatically. Sometimes it just means you stop overextending or you stop being the one to reach out or you stop over-explaining, you stop overcompensating for what's missing. You can meet them where they are instead of pulling them to where you wish they would be. And just like I said earlier, just accept them for who they are. And sometimes that does just change a little bit dynamic in the relationship. And yes, that can be hard because it feels like you're pulling back, it feels like you're not really being yourself, but really you're just coming back to who you are and yourself. You're just realigning and becoming more in alignment with yourself. And I think that's the healthiest way to hold space. Is it the easiest way? No. Do we always do that? No. Do I do that perfectly? Absolutely not. Because holding space does not mean tolerating just anything and everything. It doesn't mean waiting indefinitely, and it doesn't mean ignoring your own needs in the moment. Holding space truly means you allow someone to be exactly where they are while also being honest about where you are. And if those things, if those two things don't align, we really can't force it. And that's something that I'm having to learn. That's what I'm kind of going through in my life with friendships and relationships, is stop trying to force how you feel on someone and just accept where they are. And yes, it may hurt because it's not what you want, but that's the reality of it. We don't chase it, we don't try to convince it, we just have to sit there and acknowledge it. And that doesn't mean that you don't care by doing that. It just means you care about yourself too, and you're not abandoning yourself. And I feel like a lot of us do tend to abandon ourselves because if I'm being honest or maybe I'm just projecting, I feel like a lot of us can say that we have either abandonment issues, childhood trauma wounds, and it can come and stem from there. Because in reality, the right friendship or even the right relationship isn't going to require you to constantly question where you stand or the compromises that have to be made on both sides. It's not going to require to shrink your needs. It's going, it's not going to feel like you're the only one holding it together. It will honestly feel very mutual. I mean, obviously not perfect. We we want to look at rom-coms and be like, oh, it should look like this. That's not real life. That it's not gonna look perfect. It's it's just gonna be that natural, like, I don't want to let you go. So what can I do to compromise what I'm willing to compromise? Like, obviously, like our values, some of our core values are hard to compromise, but I do feel like a lot of us could compromise or change some things about ourselves. We're honestly, we all should as humans. That's the part of growing. There's no intention to be perfect. That's not what anybody is wanting. And I think that's what we all really just want out of human experiences, anyways. I don't think we're looking for perfection. I think we're just looking for consistency and effort and to just feel chosen. And you shouldn't have to ask for that over and over again. So if you're in this space right now where you're like, I'm just trying to be patient, patient, I'm just trying to give them space. I really want you to turn inward and ask yourself honestly, are you actually holding space or are you holding on to something that isn't really meeting what your true needs are? Because those are two very different things. And one of them can slowly cost you more than you realize. And it's not really that holding space that we think of, because holding space is truly that. You're holding space for another person to feel how they feel, and they're holding that same space for you. So I guess that's what what I mean by this whole podcast. Like, is it a mutual holding space for each other where there's compromise back and forth, or is one person the only person holding space? Because if so, then it's never going to be in alignment, and then there is going to be built-up resentment. So maybe, just maybe, that's the part that we don't talk about enough. Is just that, again, holding space isn't just about being patient or understanding or loving someone through what they're going through or through hard times. Which I mean, obviously that's what holding space is, but it's just it's about recognizing when there isn't space being held for you too. So it's about that mutual of holding spaces. Because one person can't just sit there open, vulnerable, trying to communicate, trying to understand, trying to make something work and still be alone in the conversation. And at some point, we have to ask ourselves, am I being met or am I just staying? Because I care about this person. Because there is a difference. And I know it hurts to let go of someone that you care about because a real connection, you know, it doesn't require you to shrink or to overexplain or to keep knocking on a door that won't open. It does meet you halfway. It makes room for you. It wants to understand why you feel the way you feel. There is compromise there. And if it doesn't do that, then again, that's not a sign to try harder. That's your sign to pause, step back and hold space for yourself. Because if you can't hold space for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to hold space for you? Because the same care, patience, and understanding you've been giving to someone else is also something that you deserve too. And sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stop pouring into a space that isn't holding you. You can pour it into yourself. So I'm gonna end it there. I hope that resonated with someone. If so, share it with a friend. And until next time, guys, bye.