Babbling About: Still Healing While I Talk About Healing

#222: I’m putting the polished version of myself down for a minute and telling the truth: I still get triggered, I still overthink, and I still want love and friendship to feel safe. If you’ve ever said “it’s fine” when it wasn’t, then replayed the whole relationship in your head at 2 a.m., you’ll recognize yourself here.

I talk through emotional vulnerability, anxious attachment, and the confusing overlap between old abandonment wounds and present-day conflict. Therapy has helped me name patterns, but naming them doesn’t magically stop them. We get into what it looks like when an anxious person and an avoidant person try to make it work, why compromise matters, and how simple check-ins can keep resentment from quietly stacking up. I also share how childhood dynamics can create adult coping habits like staying quiet, minimizing your needs, and then erupting after one too many “small” hurts.

The biggest shift for me is learning to communicate sooner and more clearly without coming in hot or blaming. I’m practicing questions like “Is that what you meant?” and reminding myself that I can’t control how someone receives my words, but I can stop abandoning myself to keep the peace. I also touch on modern dating games, emotional maturity, and leaning into faith when I’m tempted to control every outcome.

If this resonates, listen all the way through and share it with someone who’s trying to heal while they love. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell me what you’re working through right now so we can keep the conversation going.

Transcript

Choosing Vulnerability On The Mic

Johnna 0:00

What is up, everyone? Welcome back to another episode of the Babble's Nonsense podcast. Today, I decided that I needed to get just a little raw and emotional and vulnerable and just kind of open up about some things that I personally struggle with in my life and, you know, relationships and whatnot. So if you're interested in that and want to hear my personal experiences, then stay tuned. So I just decided I've kind of experienced a lot of emotional heartbreak um throughout my life, as we all have. Like that's just part of life. That's just up and downs. Um, but you know, I try my best to have conversations on here with experts like me and you, life coaching, and you know, therapist at times. And then it sometimes makes it appear that maybe I have my life figured out or I have it all together, and I have conversations in the DMs with people about relationships and things like that. But I just want to go ahead and put it out there that obviously I don't think anyone in life, whether they be a life coach, whether they be a therapist or you know, someone who's like me and just podcasts about it because relationships in general, whether it be romantic or platonic or family dynamics, just interest me. And I think it's just because I've been through a lot, just again, like we all have. And I haven't done like just an emotional podcast in a while. So I can't promise you what I am or am not gonna say or if I am gonna get super emotional because I don't have it planned. I just wanted to jump on the mic and just try to sort out my feelings because it is, it can be therapeutic. And maybe just having someone listen, or maybe someone else has different insight can help me and I can help you and vice versa. But I wanted to say that because, you know, a lot of conversations that I do have with people are about relationships, and people, you know, do open up to me because I am somewhat vulnerable on this podcast. Like obviously there's a level to it because it's scary. It's scary just to put all your feelings and emotions out there because feelings are very flippant, right? You can have one feeling today, and I wake I could wake up tomorrow and be like, oh my gosh, why did I say that? Why did I jump on the mic and um put that out there and then it's just out there. But I think that's the point. I think that we all try to make it where we put our best foot forward on social media and in life, and whether I get on these podcasts and share just a glimpse into them, even when I am talking to Mean You about certain things. But I don't ever really go too deep into detail. Um, I know I did one podcast at one point, I it was way back when I first started, about just having history and our stories and how it matters. And I bring it up a lot now, saying like people's, you know, triggers and childhood dynamics and all of that. And although it doesn't define who we are, it still matters to a certain extent because we're all humans, and whether you're trying to enter a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship, it matters how our background is and those those triggers and those emotional wounds. And um, although other people are not responsible for our trauma, um, it does kind of make sense if people who love you and respect you want to continue being in your life. They want to help you through that, right? Like again, it's not their requirement or their job to do those things, but it does feel like if people genuinely care and they want you in their life, then they would want to work on themselves too. And maybe that's just my perspective. Um, maybe it's just because I've been in therapy for so long, but I also know that we can't make people change or may make people accept who we are. Um, kind of like a puzzle, right? Like if you're doing a puzzle and you're putting squares, what's the saying? Like if you're putting squares into a round hole, then it it's just never gonna fit. But I think where I have a hard time is like when I try to see all perspectives and try to understand. And even though I try to do that to the best of my ability, it doesn't mean that I'm always getting it perfectly right. But I do try to, you know, understand, you know, for example, because it's not gonna make sense. So if I'm trying to make a relationship work with someone and I know that I'm anxiously attached, and anxious attachment just means that, you know, you have those abandonment wounds where you've either had abandonment in your past and you're seeing whatever somebody's doing in your presence have similar traits, it automatically triggers something in you. And like I said earlier, it's not the other person's responsibility to fix your triggers, it's our responsibility as people to work on those. But also at the same time, when we care about people, it is their responsibility to respect those things and try their best not to um trigger those wounds. And if they are triggered to be able to have those healthy communications, like, hey, I'm still here. I realize what you're going through is based on your past. That's not what I'm doing. And I get to a certain extent, it can get old after a while if you're having to constantly repeat yourself, but that's not what I'm talking about. That's not the point. Um, I'm just talking about like genuinely caring and loving about someone and wanting them to fit in your life, even if you have two different attachment styles. Maybe you're an avoidant and you avoid emotion and you don't want to talk about it because it's the bane of your existence. Um, even though that's an avoidance childhood wound, they got that way because they were either neglected or they weren't giving something, so they had to learn to do for themselves, and then they avoid all emotion as an adult. That other person has to also be understanding that. And I think one of the best examples I can think of when I heard it was when Jay Shetty on one of his podcasts talked about that about him and his wife's like different um argument styles. And he said, whenever they're mad, you know, I want, and don't quote me on this because it's it's been a while since I've listened to it, but he said that he's somebody that wants to fix things right away, and his wife is someone that wants to retreat and avoid the conversation for days. Like he said, like she would go days if he would let her, but they had to compromise in that relationship because they care about each other and they want each other in their lives. So they had to compromise. Like he had to give her 48 hours, but she also had to give him 48 hours, meaning he had to be okay with waiting 48 hours to um talk about the conflict, and she had to be willing to come to him within 48 hours to resolve the conflict. So there was a compromise there because they both cared about each other, and he said that in their relationship, they check in. I can't remember if he said daily or weekly, but they check in pretty often to be like, do you still want to be here? Because too often I think that we get complacent or we just really care about a person, and you know, you've invested time and you've invested feelings and emotions that we start accepting things just how they are because number one, it is hard to move on. It is hard to um not have someone in your life when they've been there and you know there's been an investment there and you genuinely still care about a person, but it does take two people to continue that relationship. It does take two people to make something work work, like one person can't carry all the weight, but that doesn't mean that it's gonna be 50-50 every time. I do believe the experts, when they say like there's gonna be a give and take, depending on what's going on in someone's life, maybe uh someone just got a new job, or maybe someone has kids and the other person doesn't, and it's gonna be like maybe I give 20 today and you give 80, or maybe you give 80 today and I give 20, and there's gonna be days like that, but if one person is constantly doing um, let's say 75% of it, it's like 75% and the other person's only giving 25. At some point, that 75% is going to get burned out, and that doesn't mean that they still don't care or they still don't want to be with a person, it's just like at some point those outside feelings start coming in, and that's where security in a relationship comes in, whether it be platonic or romantic. Um, and I've had conversations like this with a lot of my platonic friends, and I know a lot of mine, and I've talked about this briefly, is a lot of abandonment issues. Um, even through therapy, when people would be like, you know, your dad left y'all, like basically was never present when y'all were younger, and then he ultimately left and then, you know, passed away. And to me, when I've been in therapy, I've always been like that. Oh, that didn't bother me. That didn't bother me. I had a great stepdad and things like that. But then one therapist was like, even though you may not feel consciously that that bothered you, your subconscious is still thinking and reacting. And to have someone not present at those formulating years, like there's still that wound there, whether you feel it being present or not. So when those things happen in my adulthood life, sometimes I think that's where there's a disconnect, right? Like I'm like, I don't understand why this is bothering me. And so that's something that I am trying to connect and work on through therapy. But also, like growing up, like, even though I felt like my, you know, my father not being there, because my I had a wonderful stepdad at a very young age, and he's still present in my life and he's wonderful. And so I don't feel like I've missed that like father figure. Um, but then there was the time the dynamic of when my sister after my dad passed away, my you know, sister started acting out, getting in trouble in school a lot, and I was constantly then just kind of put on the back burner because I saw my mom going through a lot with my sister, and I just felt like I don't need to add to that burden or those feelings or that emotion. So I was quiet a lot. And until I wasn't, like I would I remember that. Like I would be quiet a lot until my emotions kind of just erupted because again, we're all human and have feelings and have emotions. So I took that with me through adulthood and I used to just explode on friends. Like I would just be like, oh, it's okay when something would happen. Like, you know, let's say um my birthday comes around and ever we all have these plans and um they all are like, well, actually this came up, and I'd be like, oh, it's okay when really it bothered me. And I would just be like, oh, it's okay, and then something else would happen. Oh, oh, it's okay, and until finally maybe the fifth or tenth thing happened and I just exploded, and my friends would be like, I don't understand the response or that emotion to this one little thing when really it was a cumulative event of things. So, like learning that through therapy and knowing that about myself because knowledge is obviously power. I was like, Okay, I need to do better about expressing myself in the moment. And although I'm not perfect at it all the time, I try to do that now with friends or people that I um want to be romantically involved in or dating. I want to like try to bring up those things. Um, and again, could I be better at it? Probably. Could we all be better at communication? Obviously. Um, but I think sometimes it's just, you know, understanding the perception. But I also think that we should be able to express ourselves, like obviously in a positive way, not a negative way. Like if I'm coming at someone and screaming and doing all those things, like, no, I don't expect them to perceive that well. But if I'm coming to a friend or a romantic partner just trying to express, like, hey, this bothers me, or hey, this is how I feel when this, because we're always supposed to like put it on us, right? Like, because it it it is our triggers, it is our trauma. It's not the other person, unless they're doing something abusive, then it's not that other person. It's us and how we're perceiving things and how we're interpreting it. And sometimes for me, just having conversations and just hearing someone say, oh no, that's not what I meant at all, or oh no, like, you know, and just v validating and verifying, sometimes that's all I need as a person. And I understand that sometimes people don't feel like they should do that, that they that that someone should just know. And so I try to be that will-around a person of like understanding it all, but and I and then I realize when I'm doing that, I'm still putting my feelings on the back burner. I'm still saying kind of like I did back in the day, where it'd be like, oh, it's fine, it's fine when it when it's not. Like, this is genuinely how I feel, and this is genuinely hurting my feelings. And I'm trying to work through it. I'm trying to do all the things that therapy has taught me and trying to communicate to the best of my ability in this moment, because that's all we can do, is just the best of our ability in the moment. And I think that's something that I'm having to realize is like we can do all these things, and it's never gonna land perfectly. We're never gonna have a hundred percent of the right words to say, we're never gonna be able to communicate to where someone can hear it and understand it perfectly every time. But I think the people that are meant to be in your life, whether that be friends, family, you know, romantic partner, I think that if they're truly, genuinely meant to be in your life and that's where God has placed them, then I do think it's met with a difference, right? Um, and that's something I've also talked about on the podcast is that I'm trying my best to lean as much as possible into my faith. Like obviously I'm still human and and still have thoughts and things like that, but trying to just understand and le learn and lean on my faith when things are hard and stop trying to just control every moment, which can be hard when we want things to go the way we want them to go. Um and I think that if people genuinely are meant to be in your life, even if even if communication is poor, even if there's hurt feelings, I think that there's always resolution and coming together and both parties understanding what they could have done better in that moment or you know, understanding the other person's triggers and trying to be respectful and trying to work through it. But again, that always takes two people doing that. And that's just something that I just I think I just realized, like even though I've been going to therapy and even though I have the knowledge of what I'm doing and what triggers me and things like that, I see that it's still coming up in different ways. Kind of like I just communicated that when I was younger, I would just keep saying I was fine, I was fine, I was fine until I wasn't. And then I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna start communicating. Well, then I would communicate, and even though I feel like I'm communicating the same thing and trying to either censor my tone or try to, you know, make sure I'm not saying it to where someone else will be offended and kind of like doing that. I guess it would be like a walking on X Shell type vibe and just worrying so much, like how's this gonna be perceived? Am I saying this correctly? Are my words correct? Am I communicating where it's not placing blame or criticizing or doing all these things? I we still can't control how someone else perceives it. No matter how hard you try to make it like fit. At the end of the day, I'm still doing what I did years ago by putting my feelings on the back burner. But again, I'm trying to do it more respectfully so I don't explode on someone. But I guess I'm saying the outcome is still the same, like that feeling of, oh, I still wasn't hurt, or oh, I still upset someone, or why can't anyone understand me? And I think we get in moments like that, and I think that's why it's so rare and so genuine to have like lifelong friendships. Like, shout out to my one of my best friends, Lori. We have been like best friends since second grade, and we've had our moments where we've both misunderstood each other, or we've, you know, we've we're we've been completely different people multiple times in our lives, and I've not agreed with everything she's done in her life, and same same she could say about me is not agreeing. But I think at the end of the day, we genuinely care about each other as friends, and I want her in my life forever. Like she is like a sister to me, and she helps helps me and helps me grow. And I would never want to hurt her feelings, but also I feel safe enough in that relationship, and now that I've worked on my communication versus just exploding on her because no one's gonna take to that very well. Um, but I know that I can come to her in a safe manner and just be like, hey friend, like when this happened, this really hurt my feelings. And I know that she's gonna meet, she's she's not she's never really met me with the well, I'm sorry that you feel that way. You should just get over it, type vibe. She's very like, oh, no, no, no, no, that I did not mean to hurt your feelings, and that's not what I meant. Let me explain to you what I meant. And I'm like, oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. You know, and those are the kind of conversations I wish like it could be all the time with everyone, but obviously that's not the case because we're all just different. We're all just our communication styles are different, our backgrounds are different, our childhood traumas are all different, and not all of us are willing to accept that you know there's things that we need to work on, and there's not a lot of us that are willing to accept help in working on it. It takes a lot of courage and it takes a lot of um what's the word I'm looking for? Not courage, but I think maybe I'm trying to say like it takes a lot of like self-awareness, maybe emotional maturity could also go there, maybe even a little bit of humility and accountability to just say, like, okay, you know what? I do care about you, I do want you in my life, and I need to either take a minute and try to figure out how we can communicate and hear each other and see each other better, or if it's just not something that you want to do or you feel like you need to do, then I think it's also the appropriate time to say, you know what, as much as I care about you and I want you in my life, I just don't know any other way around this because I don't want to hurt you and I don't want, you know, me hurting in this moment just because we can't figure out how to communicate with each other. And again, I think that's okay. I think, you know, I used to think my aunt would get onto me because I would call everybody my best friend or like, oh, we're friends. And she was like, I think that you need to realize like what a true friend is and what tears and friendships are because I would just be so hurt all the time. And I think that when I care deeply about someone, whether it be friend, family, romantic partner, like I'm all in. Like I don't like having to hold back, I don't like having to not show I care. That's why I have a really hard time in dating because there's a lot of games that are played. Like you have to wait so many times, wait so many days or wait so many hours to message back, and that's just not something I'm about. Like, I want to be who I am. And I understand there's a little bit of like you have to kind of have um curiosity about yourself, but once you've kind of like gotten to know each other, I think that there should also be that level of vulnerability with each other and level of um safety where it's like, okay, you know what? I can push the limits a little bit here. I can express how I feel and know that they're not gonna leave at the end of the day. But again, sometimes I feel crazy in my head because I'm like, is this just old childhood abandonment wounds coming back up to re-us resurface and I'm misinterpreting the situation, or is it truly just a mismatch in personalities, mismatch in communication styles, attachment styles, and things like that? I don't know. That's just kind of where I'm at. I'm kind of where I'm that in certain relationships and certain friendships, like just trying to discern between what my triggers are coming and bringing out insecurities in the real those relationships versus what is actually being communicated. Um and again, that's where just honest communication comes from. But both parties have to be willing to communicate about it. And I'm trying to get better at just being like, hey, I know I have these insecurities because of this, and I'm not using that as an excuse because it's it's never an excuse, but I'm currently trying to work through that in therapy and um but also saying at the same time, like, hey, this is how I perceived it. Is that what you meant? I'm trying to be better at that because it is you don't want to come in hot and accusatory, right? Like you said this and you meant this because we don't know how other people feel. We don't know everything that they've been through. Even with my best friend Lori's experience or like how long we've known each other, I don't know every single thing that she has been through. I know a lot of hard and difficult times that she's been through, just like she knows about me, but I don't know everything. It's not like I call her up every other day and tell her everything about how I'm feeling. So there are things that I know some people just hold near and dear to their heart and they don't express, or maybe they're afraid it might scare someone away, or they're afraid that if they let someone in and know that about themselves, that maybe that makes them unlovable, or maybe that makes um it just too real. Like, okay, now they can hurt me, and now, you know, I just feel like I'm sitting here without any armor on. Whatever the reasoning may be, people have their reasoning for it, and I'm trying the best I can to not pry in those situations and try to just, you know, focus on what I can do in that moment, um, which is hard. It's hard to do in those vulnerable moments when you're emotional and you really care about someone and you want it to work out really badly. Um, but yeah, I just wanted to babble about that and just say, like, I get it, I'm there, and I've experienced that a lot in my life. I am experiencing it now. I'm sure it won't be the last time I experience it again. Um, because I think that's just part of being a human. And I think that just having different personalities and trying to bring two different personalities. Personalities together is just hard. And I've said it before, you know, and I'll say it again on this podcast. I think that's why a lot of, you know, marriages and relationships just don't work because in today's society, it's just easier to find someone new and have that lovey dovey moment, whether that be for six months or a few years. And then if it gets too hard, you don't have to get vulnerable. You don't have to hurt. You can just kind of move on to the next versus, no, I really, really care about you. Let's work through this because that's harder. It's harder to talk about something, it's harder to become vulnerable. It's harder to say, you know what? I didn't realize about myself. I do X, Y, and Z. Because that was really hard for me for a long time. Um, going through this, I would be like, no, I don't do that. I don't do that. But then like, I do. I do do that. You know what I'm saying? Um, and I think it takes a lot of courage just to admit that. I think it takes a lot of courage to just open up and express things that is not picture perfect or social media standards or that highlight reel and say, you know what I'm struggling with right now? I'm struggling with insecurity, I'm struggling with vulnerability, I'm struggling with X, Y, and Z. Insert the blank, whatever you're struggling with. And to me, that actually is more attractive and more sexy in a person because I'm like, you know what? Even though that can make someone feel awkward, and even though that can make someone feel weird, if you're if you have the courage enough to do that, just imagine what you can do elsewhere in life. But, anyways, I'll get off my soapbox for now. And if I can formulate an opinion or a thought more so on this later, I will try to do a better job at explaining it. But just know that you're not alone in this and just know that we all experience it. We just don't share it because it's scary. Um, and if you need to, just slide in my DMs and we can talk about it some more because I know I have conversations with you guys a lot about this stuff, and I just love it and I appreciate it. So until next time, guys, bye.