Babbling About Trying on Everything.

#235: I had one of those weeks where I felt like I tried on five different versions of my life, then immediately questioned all of them. I’m talking about walking back into emergency medicine after years away and realizing my clinical brain is solid, but the charting system can still make me feel like a baby deer. There’s nothing like trying to look calm while quietly asking, “Wait… where do I place that order?”

Then we get into body decisions and the weirdly practical lengths we’ll go to before committing. Breast implants have been on my mind for almost a year, so I found out you can literally rent breast implant sizers to test-drive how different sizes look and feel in real life. It’s responsible, it’s ridiculous, and it’s exactly the kind of “research” my brain loves when it’s trying to avoid a permanent choice.

Speaking of permanent, I also had a tubal surgery scheduled, panicked the day before, and canceled it. We talk through what salpingectomy actually is, why people consider it for permanent birth control and ovarian cancer risk reduction, and how TikTok can turn uncertainty into a full-body spiral. We end on the sweetest reset: a Winnie the Pooh themed tea room, gluten-free treats, and the reminder that not every question needs an immediate commitment. If any part of this sounds like your brain, hit subscribe, share the episode with a friend, leave a review, and tell me: what decision are you overthinking right now?

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Episode Kickoff And A Lighter Week

Johnna 0:00

What is up, everyone? Welcome back to another episode of the Babble's Nonsense podcast. This week, let's try something a little lighter, a little less, I don't know, down, down Debbie, what's it called? Debbie Downer. Let's try something different. So this week, we're gonna talk about how I decided to try on like every different possible version of my life last week. Well, somewhat. Um, I tried on being an emergency room nurse practitioner again. I tried on, well, not yet tried on, but I bought some breast implants um sizers without technically getting breast implants because I know I've been talking about that on the podcast. I've tried on the idea of permanently closing down the baby factory, panicked, and then canceled that. And we'll talk more on that later. And then I also tried on being a Fab Fit fun woman. If you've seen the advertisements for that, you know what I'm talking about. So yeah, there's been a huge range of what I went through last week, and I don't know if it was just me trying to feel like me again or what. So if you want more details on that, then stay tuned.

Back In The ER Mindset

Johnna 1:25

All right, so if y'all stayed for that, then congratulations. I don't know if it'll be funny or boring or both or what. I don't know. But we'll talk about the first, I guess, the emergency room first, because nothing else eases you gently back into an emergency medicine, like walking into a shift and realizing you don't know how to chart on the system or, you know, 12-hour shifts again. Not that I don't know how to document or not that I haven't done 12-hour shifts. You know, I still obviously document all day long. I can write a progress note, I can assess a patient, and I can make a plan for them doing well, right? I can also prescribe them medications, order diagnostics, interpret those diagnostics. I can explain a diagnosis to a patient in a way that they understand and I can handle actual emergencies. I worked in the emergency room for about 11 years. I loved it. But then, you know, a little burnout happened, especially after COVID. But when you put someone in front of unfamiliar charting, that can make you very nervous about starting a job again. You know, I'm clicking around, like, okay, I know what is medically wrong with this person, but how do I order something? You know, where do I put this in the note? And then suddenly, because you're trying to figure out charting, you're like, do I even know how to chart anymore? Can I write my HPI? Can I write my review of systems? Where does my assessment and plan go? All the things. It's almost like your medical knowledge goes out the window. And there's just something so humbling about starting a new job when you are not new at the actual job, because clinically your brain is going, I know I know this, but the technology side of your brain is standing in the parking lot with no shoes on, trying to figure out how to do everything. It's like I was trying to look calm and competent while quietly asking questions like, and where do you order that? And how do you place this order? And where does the procedure note go? And then you're following, you know, a colleague that you used to work with and you were a nurse practitioner for with that colleague, and it's uh it's just really humbling. And he's like, You know what to do. You've been a nurse practitioner, but then it's like, no, my brain has all of a sudden decided I don't know what to do anymore. And then, of course, I got trained and they show me, and you you then look again. I'm a type of learner that has to like learn by doing, like, someone can tell me something or I can read something, and none of it makes sense until I actually do it. So, like, action has to come with it to make it make sense in my brain. I've always been like that. I remember being like that in nursing school. Like, I had a friend that was amazing at reading like a passage in a nursing book, like let's say pathophysiology, which is or anatomy and physiology. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Basically, it's telling you the disease process. She could read it and tell you exactly what was going on. I would read it and be like, is this in a different language? What did they just say? But then she was so good at like interpreting what that passage said to me in an actionable way. And she would like use analogies like, oh, well, if you drove through McDonald's and you got this, and then you I would be like, Oh, that makes total sense. And she was really good at that. So she should have been a teacher, but she didn't, but she should have been. But, anyways, so um let's get back to me orienting.

When Tech Shakes Your Confidence

Johnna 4:55

So I did two days of orientation before I actually start, and I'm trying to relearn the flow, the process, and I'm starting to have like these little flashbacks to my former ER life, like not bad ones necessarily, but the kind that were kind of like remind you exactly how emergency medicine changes your definition of what an emergency is being a medical professional. Like I would hear why someone comes, like came in or was telling, like, like when someone's like, Hey, so what's your emergency today or what brings you in today? And my old ER brain would briefly wake up and go, Okay, what are we most worried about today? And maybe that's something we should rephrase it as, because after you have worked in maybe emergency medicine, maybe even any other medicine, I'm not sure, your brain automatically starts triaging people before the person has even finished their story. Um, like I think our brains automatically go, is this dangerous? Is is something uncomfortable but stable? Is this person maybe scared because they don't understand what's happening to them? Or were they simply like just not able to get care somewhere else? Maybe they don't have insurance, maybe they don't have a primary care doctor, maybe they just moved here and they don't know anywhere or where else to go. And I don't think that's judgment towards the patient in any way. I think people come to the ER because they are definitely hurting, maybe a little frightened, unsure of what their symptoms mean, or unable to access another level of care. Even when the final diagnosis isn't life-threatening, their concern is still definitely legitimate and can feel like an emergency to them. But, anyways, I think just like like I said, being medical or working in an emergency room just does something to the perception of your urgency in your brain. Like I said, I have examples where uh an emergency room doctor that I worked with, I think her kid broke his arm or leg or something like that, and she made him walk it off. I think it was his leg. Yeah, because she made him walk it off for three days because she thought he was fine. Because that's what just what we do as emergency room people. We kind of like it changes your urgency perception, even for your family members or yourself, which can be a bad thing because people obviously come to the ER because they are scared and they don't know what is happening to them. So it was just like a good little reminder of past experiences, and it just brought back flooding memories for real. And then when I was there, I remember being like, Oh, I have to stay for 12 actual hours because I haven't done that in almost like five years. And by like hour eight, because that's my my new shift, I work like well, technically on paper, I work like 10-hour shifts, but usually it's a lot of at administration time because we have to go through charting and stuff like that. It's a lot of like reading files on what I do currently, so it was just different. I was like, oh, so there is still a little tiny exhausted healthcare worker who lives deep inside me. And apparently she did not retire because I remember it all and it all came flooding back. It was just laying dormant in there. But the strange thing is, underneath those flashbacks, I did remember what I liked about the ER. I like that it moves fast, you solve the problem in front of you. Sometimes, not always, and you never know what is coming through the door. So it really works for my ADHD brain because it has to wake up and participate at every single different thing. And sometimes the job that I currently do is kind of mudaine, like you kind of know what you're doing, and I don't know if I said that word, just go with it. But there's, you know, very little room to sit around and overthink your own life because someone else's body has created a more immediate agenda in front of you, which may be exactly why I went back. Because if you know me, you know that my brain can turn one personal decision into a 12-part investigative documentary, and I can ruminate and I can loop and I could just be on something for days at a time.

Renting Breast Implant Sizers

Johnna 8:58

And switching gears a little bit, since we are gonna speak about decisions, y'all know that I have thoroughly talked about possibly wanting breast implants again, and it's been over no, it's been almost a year that I've been thinking about it. I probably am leaning more towards I'm not gonna do it because if I haven't done it in a year, then I think part of me just is like, no, why are we doing it? Plus, you know, you're getting older, what's the point? And then I was watching something on TikTok that was really funny, and they said, like, what do they do with breast implants when you die? Do you do do they just sit in there and as you, you know, decompose, they just fall off your body? But no, if you're wondering the answer to that, apparently they take them out when they embalm you. Who knew? Not me, but whatever. Um, so I've been going back and forth and I'm like, I want to do it, I don't want to do it. I want to do it, I don't want to do it. It's more the thought of like just the aesthetics because I have worked out so hard and just like weight loss and getting older and things like that. But it's not even to have bigger breasts, if you will. It's more so because just aesthetically, like if I'm working out this hard and trying to do that, why not? But then also at the same time, I've had them before and they were entirely too big, and I don't want huge boobs again. I mean, if that's your aesthetic more power to you, I just like being part of the itty bitty titty committee now. Um, I know that's kind of TMI, but whatever. That's what we do here on the podcast. But it's also expensive, and I'm like, I don't know if I have the money for that. Like, that's I could buy a car or something. I don't know. But I did find out there is this company called Augie that you can actually rent sizers, like whatever sizes you're thinking. Um, you can either purchase them or you can rent them. And I was like, I'm not purchasing these are number one, they're expensive. Number two, I could just rent them and just wear them for a week, send them back and make a decision that way. And probably if I had to guess, it's gonna lean me more towards no, because then you actually have to feel the weight and see how your clothes are gonna look on you. But what a time to be alive, guys! Like, but like seriously, I wanted to see what I would actually look like before making a huge surgical and expensive financial decision. And I know that sounds extremely practical and responsible of me, but if we're talking about reality, it is also very strange to receive a package containing multiple possible futures for your chest that you just rented offline. You know what I'm saying? It feels less like cosmetic surgery research and more like ordering a flight of boobs instead of a flight of margaritas, which is wild. But yeah, like, you know, on your flight of margaritas, you can get what is it, like a pineapple margarita, spicy margarita, regular margarita. But with your flight of boobs, it's almost like, hey, today we have, you know, your subtle option. It's for the everyday wear. And then maybe you get a weekend option where it's a little bit more fool fuller. And then maybe you get another option that's like immediate regret, turn these in. Um, so I haven't tried them on just yet, but they're on their way in the mail. I'll have to keep you updated. But obviously, you just want to see like what it looks like, how it feels again, you know, gym clothes, work clothes, all the things, right? Um, analyze the proportions, the clothing, you know, balancing with my figure, all the things, which again, TMI, but why not share it here on the podcast? And after all of that, like if my answer is no, then all I have to say is, well, I paid to rent some breast implant sizers just to confirm that I really don't want this surgery. And that's a good thing because why waste a bunch of money? We're I know it's ultimately reversible decision, but that is a lot of money, and we gotta retire because the way this economy is going, who knows if any of us can do that? So I had to tell myself that it wasn't wasting money, it could potentially be preventing spending and it could be financially smart, and we love a financially responsible queen, you know what I'm saying?

Canceling A Tubal And Spiraling

Johnna 13:04

And since we're on the body talk, while I was trying to determine whether I wanted to add something to my body and do, you know, a change there, I was also panicking about whether to remove anything from my body. And what I mean by that is my fallopian tubes. So I have just I had well, where do I start? I had my tubal surgery scheduled. And if you don't know what a tubal is, it's where they just remove the fallopian tubes. They leave your uterus, they leave your ovaries so that you don't go into surgical menopause. But I literally freaked out like the day before when they called me. And I wish I could tell you this was a calm, like measured decision where I thoughtfully reviewed my options back and forth and then peacefully chose to go through with the surgery. But no, that's not how it happened. My nervous system grabbed the steering wheel, as you all know. And I know, like in my brain, logically, I have said for years that I do not want children. And since I'm almost 39, I do not see myself starting motherhood after 40. It's just not something I envision. It's not something I've ever wanted. I love everyone else's kids. Like older kids are great. Um, and I was just like, and I'm not gonna do hormonal birth control. That's another podcast for another day. I just don't think it's great for women's bodies. So I was just like, what can I do? And then, of course, there's this new research out that it does um decrease your ovarian cancer risk. I want to say, don't quote me on this, by 65%, because some of the more aggressive ovarian cancers, their learning started in the fallopian tubes and then grew to the ovaries. It doesn't completely eliminate your risk, but there is a chance that it could decrease your risk. And for me, once I started doing research on that, I was like, well, what why why? Like I thought ovarian cancer was in your like 20s and 30s, but apparently it's more prevalent in your 40s and 50s. But you just hear more about when people have it in their 20s and 30s and sometimes even younger, because it is way more devastating. Not saying it's not devastating when anyone gets that diagnosis, but when the younger you are with any kind of diagnosis, it becomes like just more eye-opening. But that, you know, all of that was the logical side of my brain. And then, like I said, as the surgery got closer, like literally the day before, the emotional part of my brain was like, but what if we permanently remove an option that we're not planning to use, even though you don't want children? What if one day maybe? You know, like I have y'all ever done the what if game until you what if yourself to death? So apparently my brain values unused options or things that you've never thought about before, like any kind of expired coupon or something, like just wild imagination options. But hey, I mean, like, obviously there is a chance it could happen, but I think it was more that I would lose control of that option, even though the option is no for me. But then like I'm a control freak, and I think that's what it kind of amounted, like came down to. And I was like, you know, you don't really need your fallopian tubes. I don't plan to use my fallopian tubes, and this may no longer be relevant in my life, but no, you can't take that decision away from me because like I said, control freak. So I canceled the surgery, and then naturally the di like because I canceled it, I think they called me at 2:30 p.m. to give me a time, and then I woke up the next morning and was like, why did I cancel that? Because that is exactly how anxiety works, or it's how my anxiety works. Before the decision, my anxiety tells me not to do it, and after the decision, my anxiety demands to know why I didn't listen to myself. It's a terrible advisor with excellent job security because it's always going to be there because I'm learning through everything that I might have an anxious attachment style. I don't know. What do y'all think? And I will say, like during last week when I was trying to make that decision and ultimately did not make that decision, it was not funny while I was in it. It was very emotional. Uh my anxiety was very real. You know, permanent decisions can bring up feelings that are much bigger than the decision itself, or maybe it's bringing up things that you didn't even think about. Um, and sometimes maybe we're not grieving a life that we want, or maybe what if we wanted? We are maybe just grieving the loss of an option, like you know, the passage of time, it means you're getting older, or the fact that life did not unfold in the neat order that we once assumed it was, maybe when you had a thought prior, like maybe in your teens or your twenties or whatnot. But now that I think there's a little distance between it, I can at least laugh at it and share it on the podcast, you know, because it's perfectly on brand for me to schedule a surgery, research it like I'm defending a dissertation. And when I say research, you know that I mean getting on the tick of the talk, which was a spiral rabbit hole, and I'll talk about that in a minute, and then ultimately cancel the decision. Um, but I feel like neither option removing them or keeping them, you know, neither option was left unexam unexamined. There was no hypothetical future left unbothered at this moment. Um, but just a real quick, like if you get, if you're thinking about having the surgery, just don't get on TikTok and look at it because there's a lot of women that are saying negative things about it. And I have a lot of friends that have done it and do not have those symptoms. For example, and I'm not gonna say that it's not real, but some women were saying you get tubal ligation syndrome, which I guess, you know, I'm not gonna say it's just like breast implant syndrome, but you know, there are doctors that don't believe in either. And the theory that I could understand from it was that the ovaries have an ovarian artery that supplies blood to them, but then you have collateral blood flow from the fallopian tubes that's coming from the uterus to also feed blood to the ovaries. And if you don't know, ovaries are what produces women's hormones, just like your testes for men producing their hormones. And so the theory is when you cut the fallopian tubes out, that maybe it decreases some of the blood supply to the ovaries, and maybe you start having hormones because they're saying that tubal ligation syndrome is more that you're kind of going into menopause earlier, maybe you have it changes your cycle or something like that, from what I could understand. And then when I looked it up, because I am in medicine and I was like, that doesn't really make sense because you're o like they leave your ovaries, and that's why you don't go into surgical menopause. And but I also understand where people are like, doctors don't believe me, but from what I understand in the actual medical literature is that there are other possibilities that they're exploring, and obviously they're doing research on it, was that women who get their tube ligation, like their tubes removed because they used to tie them, but it still leaves you at risk for possibly them uncoming tied and you getting pregnant or an ectopic pregnancy where the egg stays in the tube, which is very dangerous. Um, but the other like medical plausible answers would be that once you remove the tube, a lot of women are doing this in their 40s or maybe later 30s, um, after they've had children. So the hormones from postpartum are coming down, so it could feel possibly like um going into menopause. And then, you know, your cycles are kind of irregular anyways after you have a baby. Um, and then the other possible medical theory was that women who choose to do this later in life, like later 30s, 40s, um, for permanent birth control reasons is because they're tired of taking hormones. Like I said, it just it's not the most positive thing for a woman's body. You'll just have to look it up. I know a lot of men don't understand that when women are like, I don't want to take birth control. Um, but like if you've been on birth control for a really long time and then you come off of it because you had a tubal ligation, which is permanent birth control, then that can also be why your hormones are kind of wonky. Because I know when I came off um hormonal birth control, like I think I was 27 or 28, my hormones also did a lot of um crazy things and didn't rebound. And I feel personally that's why I'm having the hormone issues that I have, like in my earlier 30s and now into my late 30s, but I can't be too sure because no one can confirm or deny that. But, anyways, to recap what we've discussed so far, um, I did not get the breast implant sizers just yet. I did not get my fallopian tubes removed, um, and nothing has been added to my body, nothing was taken away. My body remains exactly as it was, but it has been through a very thorough, anxiously review just in. Case you were wondering. Um, and because apparently all of that was not enough stimulation for my brain or to get me back on

FabFitFun Regret And Girl Math

Johnna 22:08

track. And I don't know if I'm having all these moments because I'm just like I had a rough August. I'm trying to figure out September, which I know none of this makes sense is um, I've randomly purchased the Fab Fit Fun Box this morning. Don't know why I did that. Like it looked kind of cool. Why did I do it? I don't know. Don't answer that. It's not rhetorical. Um, so yeah, I just purchased the annual subscription and then I immediately had regret and I was like, why did I do that? If I wanted to purchase beauty products, I could just go to the store and get on myself and get stuff that I actually want. But then when I was thinking about it, I was like, well, I mean, all these products, I mean the price isn't that bad to get all these products. But anyways, I admit uh, you know, I uh eventually just canceled the subscription. Um, but that's just girl math, right? Like, yeah, we'll just call it girl math and a stupid decision, maybe a little bit of a midlife crisis. And we'll go with that. Yeah, not a lot to discuss there. But after spending, you know, the last week, maybe last two weeks, making canceling and second guessing all the decisions I made in my life, I finally did do something that I felt was unquestionably delightful.

Winnie The Pooh Tea Room Reset

Johnna 23:22

I went to the Winnie the Pooh themed tea room for my friend's birthday. We did a belated birthday just because August was so crazy and because they were booked out. So if you ever want to go visit the Lanyer House in Madison, definitely look ahead because they do book out. And I've been there before for a friend's baby shower, but this was just absolutely adorable and I loved it. Obviously, it has cute wallpaper. If you've seen my photos, it has cute wallpaper. The little teapots are so adorable, you know, the whole sweet storybook atmosphere. And this in September, the theme is Winnie the Pooh, and so they change themes each month. And most of the time people are wearing dresses and bright colors, but you don't have to, it's not a requirement. Some people even like dress way up and they do, you know, the tea hats and the tea gloves and all of that. And you get to drink delicious teas, um, and they pair it with the foods just to tell you like this tea kind of goes with this food, and you know, it's tiny little finger foods. And it lasts about, you know, they said they give you about an hour and a half. Um, but depending on your party size, like me and my friend, it was just her and I. So we got done in an hour. Um, but you get to behave as though your biggest concern at that moment is whether you put the jam or the cream on something first, which is exactly what I needed and why I say it was so delightful. Um, because that is the level of problem solving that I was looking for in that moment after all my anxiety-ridden things the week before. Um, and what's awesome about them is they also offered a gluten-free tray. You do, like if you make the reservation, you just put it in your notes. I believe, don't quote me on this, if they either have a vegetarian or I think, yeah, vegetarian or vegan option as well, um, which definitely makes me feel seam because I sometimes feel like I have to miss out, or if I go, it kind of looks like I'm not enjoying the moment just because of my dietary restrictions. But there is nothing better than arriving somewhere super adorable and discovering you do not have to sit there drinking plain tea, you know, while everyone eats these tiny cute little sandwiches and pastries in front of you, and you're just drinking tea, not eating anything. So I got to experience the full experience, which was new for me because the last time that I went, I didn't have the gluten-free option. Um, but this time I got to have the full experience, and everything was exactly the same as the non-gluten-free tray. I mean, obviously it was gluten-free, but they made the same treats. They didn't like bring me out separate treats or looks like it came from a package out of the store. And the theme of just Winnie the Pooh, like I think they were doing Winnie the Pooh whimsical because it's the hundred-year anniversary for Winnie the Pooh storybook, which felt fitting because, you know, Pooh is essentially a wellness influencer if you think about it. He snacks, he doesn't wear pants, he spends time with his friends, he gets to wander through nature, and he isn't worried about being productive. So at least Pooh has boundaries, and maybe I should be more like Pooh because Pooh would never sign up for four jobs and then wonder why they're tired. And then Pooh would also never just absolutely buy a Fab Fit Fun box, unless maybe if it came with honey. But you know, I don't think you would. But I went hopping around some of uh Mid City's new additions with my friend Pop also. Um, we went to the I'm gonna butcher this Processes Soundbar, um, which is a very cute coffee shop. It has um vine, like it's got like a vinyl um DJ booth. Um, I think they're supposed to be having alcoholic beverages, but for right now they have coffee. And so I got a decaf Avogato, if I'm saying that correctly, because we had just eaten lunch and it was later in the afternoon, and I didn't want to get um coffee that late because I have trouble sleeping as is. And they were literally like, that's a first. Why are you getting decaf? I was like, because I really like the taste of coffee, but I don't need the caffeine, which understandable, right? And if you don't know what an affogato is, it is just basically espresso poured over ice cream. So I got a decraft espresso poured over ice cream, and it tasted like coffee ice cream. And so since we were right next to the indie um restaurant and bar, it's inside the Hotel Indigo, right in Mid City. We went over there because I wanted to see what it looked like because everybody's been raving about it, and it's so cute. Oh my gosh, I can't even explain it. Like the entire outing just made me feel like I was on vacation for a second, that I had escaped my anxious um last week, except I was still in Huntsville, which Huntsville is booming, and we have so many new things to visit. So I really do love like visiting and finding new places around town because it does let you temporarily just feel like you're somewhere else, or maybe you aren't the person you were the week before, or maybe the one the month before, right?

Not Every Option Needs Commitment

Johnna 28:12

But yeah, anyways, that was my week last week, week and a half, whatever. Um honestly can't believe I was able to babble that long because I thought this would be super short. And I know it kind of sounded chaotic when I put it all together and I actually like listened to me talk about it, but maybe the common thread is that I'm trying things on here, and I don't mean just the breast implant sizers, but maybe trying different possibilities as I do almost enter a new decade of life, I guess. Um kind of like, what would it feel like to work in the ER again? And what about if I change my body again? Or what if I made permanent decisions about, you know, no longer being able to choose if you wanted children or not? Um, but maybe it's more thinking like, what would it feel like to stop analyzing everything for five minutes and just I don't know, like go have tea with your friends or something. Because sometimes things feel right and then sometimes things feel wrong, or maybe you cancel something, or I don't know. I think there is something reassuring about just realizing that not every question we have has to become this immediate commitment. Like I think. I know that's something my aunt has always told me is when I make decisions, like whatever decision is, like just choosing a meal or a cocktail or whatever, I'm always like, this is permanent. And my aunt's like, no, like you can get something else, you can change your mind, you're allowed to do that. But obviously, with certain decisions like removing your tubes, that that's a little permanent. You can't change your mind on that. But I think that was just kind of what's wonderful about recapping my week and just having to talk about it out loud is that it just reminded me that I do not have to become every version of myself that I consider, and that's okay. Like right now, the ER side of me, I think obviously is gonna stay. And maybe the surgical boob side of me is being returned, and that should Jonna remove her tubes is pending further review with actual medical professionals and giving myself time to think about it versus just making a snap decision. And the tea room Jonna can obviously stay because she's more calm, less anxious, and just obviously having gluten-free snacks.

Closing Thoughts And Goodbye

Johnna 30:30

So thank you guys for listening to this week's episode. If you have ever spent money on something that you are like, why did I spend money on that? Or maybe have canceled a decision and immediately questioned the cancellation or the change of mind or ordered a beverage so specific that the staff documented it as historical event, then just please know that you are seen and you are among good company here. So, yeah, anyways, I'll talk to y'all next time. Bye.